Title: Original file was nitemare.tex
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Chapter 1
Kial
Today is the day. Oh I cannot believe how excited I am, or is it nerves? Okay take a breath I’ve said goodbye to my friends and family and I’m stepping into the unknown. How long again? Eight years I think. Yeah it’s a long time, but the honour is greater.
So, the Knights, they are the ones who patrol out beyond the barriers, the barriers which keep the city safe. Because outside the barriers is where the Mares are. No one I know has seen a Mare. I’ve heard all sorts of stories, they’re invisible, they look like fear itself, multi headed serpents, or beasts with razor teeth. Honestly I think it’s just spooky stories. Maybe to make the Knights seem like superheroes. Oh hell, I hope the Mares aren’t really like that.
But the damage they do is real. If a mare touches someone, that person it permanently… Sorry it’s a little hard to talk about. I didn’t know anyone personally, just on the reports, seeing people crying that their friends, loved ones are, what we call infected, their minds gone, just a fearful stare in their eyes, babbling, or childish cries for help. We don’t know what happens to them, only that it’s permanent and no one has ever recovered.
Oh, I forgot to say. Over the last eight, oh look another eight. Eight years, I’ve been training. I still remember the day of the test, the day they called me out saying I had potential. I couldn’t believe it. I had the potential to become a Knight.
So the extra classes, extra tests, alongside school, but each time we took another test, I could feel my heart in my mouth, was I going to pass? Would my name be called? Yes. Each one a step closer to becoming a Knight.
But then all the tests were passed. It was now just a selection process. I don’t really know why just an agonising wait. Will I get the call? Won’t I?
Well that’s all behind me know because, I can’t believe it, I got chosen. So now I’m standing here at the gates. Looking up at the sign, Knight Base Gol. Remember to breath. About to walk in. Maybe I’ll get to see a Mare? I got no idea what happens from here on. Well, wish me luck.

Chapter 2
A new term
It was the beginning of a new term for me. This is my second term. The last four years this has been my home. Today, the new recruits arrive. I was a new recruit last term. We only last two terms before our minds can no longer concentrate, drifting, unaware, into daydreaming. That’s where our own minds become the killer. In the dream-scape thoughts are real and a wandering mind conjures all sorts of images. The danger is that a mind cannot tell the difference between its own creation and others’, so it becomes lost, vulnerable. Only a disciplined mind remains focused and aware of the dream-scape’s true nature. Only then can you see the mares, only then can you render them harmless.
My name is Teek, I’m a dream-scape navigator. Females are trained for navigating the dream-scape, likely because of our unique ways of thinking and feeling compared to our male partners, the architects. Their task is to neutralise, or render, the mares. Imagination, use it as a weapon. They are masters of creativity in the art of war. I’ll admit though, there is nothing more intense than having my architect render a powerful mare. The emotional release is amplified by our connection, making it more intense and unexpected than any other sensation I’ve experienced. I’ve been there many times, and it is, I swear, more seductive than sex.
It is my job to stay focused. Male minds jump around a lot, always thinking up new ways to stop the mares. I am the grounding force, bringing them back when they start following their own dreams. I glide around the dream-scape, taking them with me. Letting them do their work of rendering mares. Sometimes, they fall too much into a dream and all I can do is return to the base. To the projection room, where we enter the dream-scape from. Although I can outrun and out manoeuvre most mares, it’s scary out there without your architect. And as a last resort, if I’ve lost my ability to navigate, I can request a tech to run a retrieval, it’s painful but better than being touched by a mare.
Navigators and architects share a unique bond, we are deeply intimate and have no secrets, thoughts and feelings are manifested in the dream-scape, so we need honest and open communication to prevent this from happening and keep us safe. You would think that a relationship this close would lead to physical and sexual intimacy, but we can’t have sex, it spoils our ability to enter and function in the dream-scape. But much of our physical desire is consumed navigating the dream-scape. The most effective way to enter the dream-scape together is to use that desire, to want to be close. It keeps us bound together in the dream-scape, keeps us safe.
The bio-suits we wear lace our skin with sensors, a mesh of materials, that monitor us in case we both start dreaming, or something else happens. They are skin-tight. It gets very demanding rendering mares so being able to stretch and ground yourself immediately afterwards, like yoga, heavy clothing is not desirable. And unless you, and your partner are a telepath, (yeah, right) you must be implanted with a Cortex Link Interface.
None of this is known by the public. Not even the recruits are told. We throw them into the deep end, intimate contact and all, and see if they can challenge their internal demons when they come up, it’s the only way to learn…I know because I did.
When I was required to maintain close contact with my architect, Blen, was when things came up for me. From the first time I was linked to him, until the time he retired from his second term. We are all beautiful people and I could never thank him enough for being as understanding as he was. I guess he went through all that during his first term.
Being out in the dream-scape mightn’t look demanding, but the mental and emotional effort is immense. Although it looks like you are resting, your body is going through considerable strain. If you are out there trying to avoid being touched by a mare, the emotional stress causes your body to be constantly alert. Or put it another way. Not only is there a mental test before being admitted there is also a physical test.
So now I’m an experienced second-gen and about to meet my new architect. I know all about him, well on paper at least, his strengths, his fears. I know we will work well together. But part of me is a little sad, I’m aware that the experience with my new architect won’t be the same as it was with my previous one. A part of me will always cherish what we had, but another part of me is eager to discover what this new connection can bring. Ready to find new experiences, new connections and now a new architect.

Chapter 3
Kial and Teek
I stood, I wasn’t sure if it was nerves or excitement, my hands were trembling, I couldn’t believe it I was standing in the actual Knight’s base, I was actually here. I looked at the line of women, standing on a raised platform, in front of us, behind them a curved wall with large transparent windows. How odd, they were all women, weren’t there any male knights? I looked around my group, all men. The thought puzzled me for a few seconds as my attention was interrupted when one started speaking. I looked over, the one speaking had long blonde hair pulled tight into a ponytail.
“Future architects,” she began speaking, “welcome, for the next eight years you will serve the city…” Yeah I tuned out I heard it all before, but why did she refer to us as architects? “Today as part of your induction you will be paired with your navigator.” A what? What is a navigator? I assume that we would be flying some sort of vehicle out into the dream-scape. So a co-pilot? “You will train under her, and follow all of her instructions.” Oh, the women were the navigators. I breathed a sigh. That’s good to know. “When your name is called, this will be your navigator for the next four years.” Oh shit, four years? What if I didn’t like her? I started to panic, I tried moving my head side to side to try and release the worry. Watching each woman, or should I call them navigators? Watching them intently, looking at the faces, I worried, feeling myself judge them on their looks, I shouldn’t be doing that. That’s really unfair. “Drae” I heard one call. Okay not her. Scanning the rest of the faces, oh she looks cute. Stop it, this is not a dating club. “Pitt” Another one called. Okay not that cute one. Who’s left, who would I want to be with, when I heard a voice behind me “Kial.” I froze, turning, and I held my breath stunned. I managed to squeak a “Hi.” I coughed, “Um, hello.” I breathed out, “I’m Kial.” Idiot, she knows that. I let out a small laugh.
“I’m Teek, I’m your navigator.”
I could not believe who I saw. Wait, I had vague memories, the face test, ‘pick who is the most trustworthy.’ ‘pick who is hiding something.’ They seemed like picking emotional cues at the time, but I swear I remember her face.
Teek led me around the base, but each time she looked at me, each time she smiled, I felt my chest constrict, my breathing would stop and I would suddenly think about I will be learning with her for the next four years. A whole four years? I suddenly thought how am I going to cope with her as a distraction.
We walked along the outer ring, I noticed monitors, spaced out along it, “What’s that mean?” I tried to distract myself from her, the monitor saying Active FH and Standby PR.
“Oh, the team actively patrolling, Fers and Hela. And standby incase anything comes up is Porz and Riel. We are KT, Kial and Teek. See the pattern?” She gave a cheeky grin.
Her smile made me relax and I gave a laugh.
I tried to relax and not think about her, “Where are we going?”
“I’m taking you to your dorm, so you can put your things away, I assume you don’t want to carry them for the rest of the tour?”
Something about the way she spoke was disarming, each time she’d say something in jest, I felt at ease. The corridor, was long and round and wide enough for, I’d say three teams to pass, maybe four with a squeeze. The outer wall was lined with doors, and the inner wall the windows looking out into the court yards, behind the courtyard I could see another building.
“There are three rings, this is the outer ring, the dorm ring. The one you can see out there is the stores ring, supplies and food stores, where you can sit and eat.”
We passed another team, and I noticed an older male with, I think was a younger female, pointing out things to her.
I looked puzzled at Teek, “Oh, you can tell that is a Knight team, by what they are wearing.” She stood holding her arms out, as she did I caught a glimpse behind the gap in her jacket, no don’t look at her chest, I looked away. But something tugged at my mind, what was she wearing under that? I swear I saw wiring on her skin, the pull of my curiosity was too much and I had to steal another glance, no not skin, but skin tight. I had to look away, feeling very ashamed.
“What’s up?” Teek stepped forward towards me, I swallowed.
“Ah, nothing.” I tried to brush off the violation.
We continued walking as Teek continued to explain the layout, “Inside that one is the medical ring.” A silence fell over her, and she looked down, like she was lost in thought, “Inside that is the gym and garden and administration, you’ll meet the commander a bit later.”
Then her face lit up, “And in the very centre is the projection room, where we enter the dream-scape, just you wait, you’ll love it.”
I tried to comprehend it all, “Don’t worry about getting lost, I’ll be showing you around mostly. Oh this is yours.” We stopped walking. As she reached out for the door again a gap in her jacket and again my curiosity got the better of me, my eyes instinctively went to the gap, the silver traces running over her chest. I had done it again, turning my head towards the door, I felt myself shaking, captivated by whatever she was wearing and also this is not a date.
“This is your room. Navigators and Architects are on opposite sides.” Teek went on to explain one of the rules “This room is your space, you have complete agency here, if you do not want me in your room you ask me to leave and I will, if you ask someone else to leave and they don’t comm me and I will make sure they do. This also goes for my room if I ask you to leave you must.”
I blinked, the weight and authority she spoke with threw me, she seemed so gentle and carefree, and now the earnest look she gave me all I could do is nod.
I looked in, Bed, another door, low tables and cabinet. “Put your bags in and I’ll show you the rest.”
Each of the other teams we walked past, seemed to know Teek, she would stop and introduce me to the team, even the way she carried herself, talking to them confidently and casually “my new Architect, Kial.”
We stopped at another room, and I wondered how far around the ring had we walked, “This is my room. Come in.”
I looked around her room and suddenly felt unwelcome, like I was intruding on her life, how could she show me so much so quickly. There was a model vintage car mounted on a stand, behind it an isometric engineering diagram. I looked over at Teek, checking that it was okay to look, she shot back a comforting smile.
“What is it?”
“Oh that,” she spoke excitedly, “is a Bugatti Veyron, the first production car to pass one thousand horsepower.” I continued motioning to the diagram, “The mid-mounted W sixteen engine it had.”
Now I did feel inadequate, I didn’t know what she was talking about. “Right.” I responded, oh, no that sounded dumb.
I felt like it was okay to examine the other things on her cabinet, a leather bound book with no identifying words on it, next to that a stylised pen.
“You’re writing a book?”
“My journal, some people like to keep their’s on a laptop or terminal, I like to use a fountain pen. I recommend you keep one too, especially once we start emotional work in the dream-scape.”
Emotional work in the dream-scape? In? But my mind was quickly distracted by the transparent cups and saucer, a tea set? The cup looked like it contained an inner cup.
It felt wrong to look at the prints of her, and the blonde women on her cabinet, tongue poking sideways. Teek pulling a disgusted face at her, obviously posed. But the one I didn’t recognise Teek with another man, her arms around his neck, her smile infectious. Who was he? I felt scared to ask.
“Who’s this?” as I felt my stomach tense in anticipation.
“That’s Blen, my first architect, we’re life partners, your next Navigator will be your life partner.”
I swallowed. Teek has a life partner? How would I ever. “But…” I couldn’t quite form the words.
She stepped towards me and put her hand on my side, I breathed out, “It’s okay, I’m training you now, you’re my priority, I knew it would happen, it’s meant to happen, it’s the way we’ve always done things.”
I don’t know, I felt wrong, I was looking at her like she was a potential partner and she’s unavailable, just stop, we’re Knights, we’re supposed to be working together, not, not, wow her hair is gorgeous.
“Come on, I’ll show you the rest of the base.”

Chapter 4
You appear lost
I had just finished up dinner with some of the other recruits. I didn’t realise at first but there were females among us, who were looking equally out of place, sitting in groups. One came up to us.
“I didn’t know there were any men starting here, when did you arrive?”
I looked around a bit puzzled. “Today, we just met our navigators and were shown to our rooms, and we’ve been exploring.”
“Oh, we were introduced to our architects, my name’s Stea.”
“Drae.” one of the guys sitting near me replied.
So many names, so many new faces I couldn’t remember everyone.
We finished dinner and were searching for our dorm rooms, which we couldn’t find. One of the older Architects came past, noticing our puzzled looks.
“You appear lost.” He spoke, calmly.
“Yeah,” one of us spoke, “We’re looking for our dorms.”
He chuckled, “You want the outer ring.” He pointed towards the room, I was puzzled for a moment and realised he was pointing out the direction of the ring.
“I’m Drit you’ll probably see my navigator, Kelz, around.”
I caught a glimpse of the similar silver wiring behind his jacket, ah, so I probably will be wearing one.
“Mirl,” the one who had spoken earlier responded, holding out his hand.
“Handshake?” Drit replied, “that’s a bit formal.” He held out his arms, I think we all uneasily shared puzzled looks as Drit gave Mirl a hug.
He paused for a second looking off to the side, “Cril’s architect right?”
Mirl nodded.
“Whoa,” Drit chuckled, “you’re in for a ride. I hope you like to be challenged.”
Mirl looked intrigued. Challenged? I wondered what exactly it might be. Did I feel up to a challenge?
“Fili,” one of the women spoke.
“Ah a new navigator, um.” He paused, “Brou’s navigator.” He laughed, “He can render a mare faster than anyone, much to Cril’s disappointment.” He paused, “Ah never mind.”
Fili looked excited with the thought of her architect’s ability.
I was excited to meet an older architect, I wanted to ask so many questions, I hesitantly held out my arms, stating my name “Kial.”
He hugged me, gentle and firm and I felt a strange sense of openness from him, I had an unusual feeling I could tell him anything.
I could see him muttering under his breath, “Kial, Kial” when he spoke “Teek?”
“Yeah.”
“Oh,” again chuckling, worried about what he meant, “Teek is a fantastic navigator, you are in safe hands.”
I suddenly felt a weight lift. Safe hands. I really liked the sound of that.
“Stea.” another new navigator spoke.
Drit thought for a while “Taus. The things he does to mares, makes them want to go running. Just wait until you start rendering you are in for a treat.”
Stea gave a wide grin.
Drit took the time to greet each of us, some he knew our names already, but he knew who each of our navigators or architects were and had something exciting to say about each of them.
It left me on quite a high, I had forgotten that I wanted to ask him questions, only remembering after. I wanted to turn back to catch up with him, but also wanted to play it cool, didn’t want to come over all obsessed.

Chapter 5
I fell the first time
I lay on my bed, occasionally straining myself to look out the window, it was early evening and the city lights were beginning to illuminate. I loved this time of night, the city was quiet and the base began to buzz.
My door chimed, and I had the uncanny feeling it was Teek, I don’t why I started experiencing strange occurrences around her. I was getting obsessed and it was infuriating, I’d even be dreaming about her. I took a long breath and got up to answer the door, and there she was, that permanent smile, like she was up to no good.
“I’ve got something for you.”
A present? Okay, what was going on, she tried to get past me, so I let her in.
She put a case down on the bed and unzipped and opened it up, she stood back looking pleased with herself, I took a look, the familiar black suit with the silver wiring, my stomach jumped, and I had to take another breath.
I looked over at her, feeling a bit worried, but I couldn’t place why. But she was beaming.
“You’re enjoying this aren’t you?” thinking about my discomfort, my turn, okay what was going on, the thought of wearing it, sent panic through me.
“It means we’re another step closer to entering the dream-scape, so put your bio-suit on and then one more thing, and we can start training in the dream-scape.” Her eyebrows raised.
I picked the suit up and looked at it uncomfortably, thinking I don’t want to be walking along the base service ways wearing this.
“Remember to put your overalls over it, to protect it.”
Oh yes, overalls, that’ll be safe.
I took off my jacket and started taking off my pants, when I looked over at Teek, intently watching me. Watching?
I froze, not a sound, not a breath escaped.
“Oh sorry,” she stepped towards me putting her hand between my shoulder blades immediately melting my fear, I breathed out.
“Hey, look at me.”
I turned around, and she undid the zip on her overalls letting me finally get a look at her, “I’m wearing one too.”
I felt like I was about to cry, something in the way she tugged down on her zip, allowing a gap in her jacket, exposing, no, I don’t know, something about it felt intimate, felt like she was saying, it’s okay to look at me.
But I couldn’t, I had to look away. The vulnerability was too much, I couldn’t let her know I wanted to look.
“I know this is probably difficult, I’m trying to understand how safe you feel around me, do you need me to wait outside?”
I’m not sure what I felt extreme fear or extreme excitement, I had difficulty breathing, I put my fingers to the bridge of my nose and squeezed.
I felt her hand on my arm, “It’s okay, I’ll wait outside.”
Once she had left I almost collapsed, I felt dizzy and I needed to sit, what just happened? Did Teek imply she’d watch me get changed? I had to stop thinking that, it was causing too much panic. I remembered my calming techniques and took a few long slow deep breaths in through the nose and hold to the mental count of four and exhale through the mouth. I was feeling a bit weak and my hands were buzzing, my breathing returned to normal.
So now I was able to focus on getting dressed, wondering how I’d have to stretch into this thing, but it was surprisingly easy, and quite quick too, I guess if I had to get into the dream-scape in a hurry it’d need to be, even the fasteners on it made sense and the clicked into position as I clipped them together.
I stood up and nearly fell over, as the sensation surprised me, like buzzing running over my skin, each muscle contraction confused my senses.
“Are you okay in there?” I heard her call.
“Yeah, I’m dressed, you can come in.”
She entered and saw me on my knees, “Yeah, I fell the first time too. You’ll get used to it, in fact you’ll start to miss it when you’re not wearing it.” She looked off to the side trying to hide her smile “that’s why I’ve been wearing mine, even though I don’t need to.”
I suddenly felt afraid, realising that I was only wearing the suit.
“Come on get your overalls on, then off to medical.”
She turned and it was the first time I saw it, a silver strip at the base of her neck, was it a tattoo? I went to mention it but got lost getting my overalls on.
I started following Teek to medical, as I walked my body flinched, and I let out a gasp.
Teek turned to me, cheeky smile “I think he likes that.”
I had to stop and balance myself against the wall, suddenly having an arousing thought, Teek would be feeling the same thing. Oh damn, get the thought of her body experiencing this out of your head.
I panted, but not because of the suit.
“Hold my hand, I’ll steady you.”
I did try to anticipate the sensations but they still surprised me feeling buzzing shooting along my legs as I pressed my foot into the ground.
“Why is it doing this?”
“The suit is floating, that’s what the techs call it, when it’s connected it’s grounded and you will feel heavy.”
I breathed, and tried not to anticipate the feeling, by the time we were at medical, I was beginning to get used to it and quite enjoying the unusual contractions.

Chapter 6
Share something extraordinary
I remember having my cortex link implant, or wired up as the techs liked to call it. It was immediately after Blen brought me my bio-suit, and I remember the shock of being asked to wear it, standing in my room staring at it. Blen tried to reassure me when he took off his jacket, actually I remember thinking please don’t make me do the same, but he said everyone wears one, nobody will notice you. But yeah it was tough. The overalls were a lifesaver.
But stepping into medical was another problem, I remember the tech asking me to take off my jacket. No way could I do that. This is when Blen took over, he asked the techs to give us a minute, and I was surprised when they left without question. He really was my saviour. He then asked if I could do that for him, and well, I couldn’t at first but I remember him asking me, what is the worst that will happen. I ended up crying in the end, not wearing my overalls at all and dancing, his words stuck with me you’re a beautiful person Teek. And then he threw in sexy and hot, which made me laugh. And I wasn’t scared of the techs when they returned.
But then I remember the chair scared me, My immediate thought was of going to the dentist, laying back feeling vulnerable and exposed, that sterile medical look, that gave me the shivers. But again Blen reassured me, taking my hand and helping me sit, back exposed, my skin numbed from the anaesthetic, but the sound of the buzzing as the tech worked, grew louder and more unnerving. The buzzing would stop, I thought it was over but then I felt a tap on my neck, and my body twitched involuntary, I think my face radiated fear, as Blen squeezed my hand his words giving me strength, “You’re doing great Teek.”
Finally there were no more taps, no more twitching, and I remember the tech saying “You’re ready to sync now.” It sounded weird, but Blen’s face looked at me like he was going to share something extraordinary with me, his face, his words filled with excitement as I’ll never forget him saying “You’re gonna love this.”
Now it was my turn to hold Kial’s hand, as he sat laying forward in the chair, his back exposed to the tech. I could sense his apprehension, his anxiety, his mixed feelings of guilt as this was the first time he’d seen me in my bio-suit, I knew he longed to see me in it, whenever I’d catch him looking, he’d quickly look away, I’d reassure him with a gentle smile, “You’re doing great.” My words allowing him to overcome the shame of his desires.
I quickly looked over at the tech working on Kial’s neck the buzzing of the tool cutting into his back, the tech would put it down and pickup another, and each time, Kial gasped and twitched as the pin pierced his neck.
I squeezed his hand trying to offer some comfort “Look at me, you’ll be fine.”
Finally, the last twitch and the tech stood, “You’re good to go.” He showed me the link cable.
Butterflies in my stomach, fluttering. I couldn’t contain my excitement as I looked at the cable and shivered all over. I felt flushed as I leant forward and the tech attached it to the back of my neck. This was the moment, our first shared intimacy step. I couldn’t wait. Just the thought of feeling his mind next to mine was intoxicating.
Kial noticed my expression, his eyes darting uncertainly unsure of what to expect. I smiled cheekily at him, “Do you want to feel me?” I knew the question would provoke deep feelings in him.
The tech connected Kial and smiled at me, “Catch you out there.”
The Cortex Link immediately overwhelmed Kial’s mind and he fell deeply asleep, I relaxed, slowing my breath, calming my mind, allowing myself to sleep without dreaming, the room melted away.
In our shared dream space, Kial stood next to me, unaware of the transition.“Teek,” he spoke excitedly. I hugged him and pulled him close, it was more than a physical feeling, I could feel his emotions swirling and he could feel mine, I felt my inner strength and grounding. He felt it too “Teek, you’re…”
Tears welling up in his eyes, almost rendering him speechless “You’re beautiful.”
“You’re beautiful too, Kial,” I responded, letting my desire for him show. He was shaking and close to crying. “Come,” I spoke, leaping upwards with him into flying, the feeling exhilarating. It was short-lived as Kial’s mind slipped into dreaming and I woke myself in the med lab. Kial peacefully asleep.

Chapter 7
Just ask me
Teek will be spewing. Not only had I got my Architect, Mirl, out into the dream-scape, but also out past the inner barrier. All on the first attempt. I could feel his fear of failure as we approached the barrier, thinking he might fail me, I told him if you think you can or you think you can’t you are right. He quickly understood. But then I felt a deeper fear, attraction, but he seemed to be able to silence it as we crossed the barrier. This worried me. We’d need to work on that.
I waited for Teek outside med lab, I knew her Architect received his CLI today and they hadn’t even begun in the dream-scape.
She emerged with that cheeky smile of hers, I bet she’d just had her first link with Kial, she’d be floating.
“Cril!” she said excitedly and ran towards me, hugging me.
Her touch shocked me, making me hold my breath, something about seeing her again surprised me. “Teek,” I said more calmly.
She stepped back and I decided to rub it in.
“I’ve got Mirl past the inner barrier.” I gloated. Teek wasn’t one for competition but she said one day how fun it would be when we get to train new Architects and how good she thought she might be at it. I couldn’t let that stand, so I challenged her, first one to render a mare.
She tipped her head sideways, “That means nothing.” a smile tugging at the corners of her mouth, “you haven’t passed the outer barrier yet, then I might’ve been worried.”
“Just you wait.” I smiled back, “I’ll have Mirl sucking up mare energy faster than a tech can run a retrieval.”
She raised her eyebrows, I was expecting an ‘Oh really?’ but she hugged me gently. “Good to see you again, I’ve missed you.” as she let me go and headed towards her dorm. Something stopped me from turning away watching her walk away.
Breathless again? What was going on? Did I miss her that much? No can’t be. I shook my head trying to get the feeling of her touch out of my head.
I headed towards my room. What was it? Teek reminding me of our first-gen days. With Thau. The routine. Dream-scape every day, mares, rendering. Yeah. I definitely missed that. Can’t wait to get Mirl doing the same.
Yeah that was it Teek was familiar, a call back to our time before the break the change over, when our Architects retired, and it was time to begin a new term with our new architects.
I collapsed on my bed, my body aching from the effort it took to get Mirl out there. But fuck I’m good just ask me.

Chapter 8
Permission to touch
I heard my door chime, I knew it was Mirl, although brief, our time in the dream-scape would start to form a mental link between us and I was more aware of it than he was. I could enter his dreams more easily now, teasing him. Physical attraction is one of the first fears to overcome, I remember the first time seeing Thau in his bio-suit that I got butterflies and then wondered how the hell could I work with this person who made me feel this way.
So I did the same to Mirl, turning up wearing only my bio-suit when I handed him his. Seeing his reaction, and playing it very casual. From then, I started showing him parts of myself bare. A shoulder here, a side there but this time I was going to push him over that cliff. I could feel it in the dream-scape, despite it not coming up when we faced the barrier, I could feel him push those thoughts and feelings away trying to hide. Trying not to think about the attraction he felt for me, wanting to see me in a way he knew he shouldn’t. But I knew that those thoughts would only get worse, would only hinder us in the dream-scape or worse arise when we would be in the perilous task of confronting a mare. This needed to be dealt with quickly.
I stood in my bathroom, only wearing the bottom half of my bio-suit, facing away from the door, I called him to enter. He came to the doorway and immediately saw I was topless. I could see him back away in the mirror.
“Sor…” He stuttered, “sorry, I, I didn’t know you were changing.”
“What’s the matter Mirl?” I called, challenging him, I turned around and walked out of the bathroom.
“I…” he gasped, looking down at my naked figure, catching himself thinking he shouldn’t be looking and back up into my eyes again. Not sure where to look.
“I know this silence. What are you thinking Mirl?” I stepped closer to him, “you don’t know what you’re thinking, do you? You’re feeling confused, should you be looking? Why is she just standing there? Is this consent? What is happening?”
“Um.” he said nervously. His breathing short and sharp.
“Should I tell you what is happening?”
“Um, this is really difficult for me.” He said strained.
“Why? What’s the matter?” I let out a slow deliberate breath heightening the tension.
Then he blurted it out “I can’t do this, I can’t work with you. I can’t concentrate, I can’t focus with all…” He waved his hand up and down gesturing my figure. “All this.”
“Why what’s the problem?” I pushed him further, to confront the feeling he was trying to avoid.
“I keep thinking about seeing you naked.” he admitted, not really the deep underlying issue but another step I could push him further, undoing the fasteners on my bio-suit and pulling out of the legs, leaving it on the floor.
“Like this?”
He let out a small whine.
“I’m being vulnerable here,” I spoke, “it’s time you did the same, bare you soul to me.”
His breathing shifted, I think my pushing him worked, maybe he was beginning to understand what was happening.
“I can’t work with you, I keep having these feelings for you. Our closeness together in the chair. These suits. I want to…” he paused, not able to finish.
“What do you want to?” He wasn’t quite there yet. He reached forward putting his hands on my chest. “Uh. Hands off. I haven’t given you permission to touch me.” He pulled his hands away and breathed sharply again. “Come on Mirl, I know you want to, so just say it.”
He closed his eyes tightly and said “I want to have sex with you.”
I let the question linger, looking to the side making it look like I was considering it, maybe adding a possibility to his request before painfully cutting him off. “No.”
A look of disbelief came over him, anger, he was starting to get back into the power I knew he had, “Then what the hell is all this then? What are you doing standing there like that?”
“Challenging you.”
He let go of his anger as he let out a laugh, “Oh you…Well if that’s the case.” He undid the fasteners on his suit and we both stood their smiling, laughing. I went to place my hand on his chest and he stopped me, “Who said you could touch?”
To which I replied, “So you’re not in the mood for a hug?” his shoulders dropped and he let out a sigh.
“Okay then.”
It was a gentle embrace, resting my head on his shoulders, feeling his chest against my own, feeling my heart skip a beat, realising how long it had been since I’d had this level of physical contact. I whispered in his ear “You make me shiver.”
I pulled away looking into his eyes making it deadly clear “No sex. No orgasm, but don’t worry once we’re rendering mares you’ll want to do that more.”

Chapter 9
Most important person
I lay in my bed, aching, the cortex link implant was tender and itchy, I wanted to scratch it but I was told not to touch it even when healed, and there was a bandage covering it. I wanted to roll over but it hurt, so I stayed still but that hurt too.
They said the ache is just my mind adapting to the new sensations from the Cortex Link, which would be noisy for the first few days. And nothing actually wrong with me. Everything felt wrong with me.
I didn’t understand, Teek was constantly attentive. “Don’t you have more important jobs?” I asked.
“No, you are my most important job.” She suddenly smiled and I think it was embarrassment I saw, “Um, I didn’t quite mean it to sound that way.”
There it was, I was her job, her task, nothing more. I was reading into it, the way she acted around me, I thought she liked me. No, it’s my own crazy head thinking she likes me. I keep mistaking her actions for affection. She’s Blen’s. Why do I keep thinking she is interested in me?
“What are you thinking?” She asked, noticing my silence.
Oh crap, I was just thinking, no don’t say it, “Not much.”
“Liar.”
Um, I swallowed.
“I can tell when you’re deep in thought, come on share with me, surely it’s better than sitting here in silence.”
Quick Kial think, and not about how much I was attracted to her. “So I’m a job to you?”
“No, you’re more than a job, you’re my Architect, the most important person in the world to me right now.”
I held my breath, most important? I blinked. “What is it with Architects and Navigators? I’ve seen teams walking together and it seems like they are in love.”
Teek looked off to the side smiling.
“They kind of are. Our bond is incredibly deep and complex. It’s difficult to describe. We are completely open and honest because in the dream-scape, everything can become real. Our fears, our desires, our unresolved issues, they can all come to the surface.”
Desires? Shit. I hope I can keep that away.
“So I need you to be able to trust me with whatever you are feeling. So tell me, what are you feeling?”
Be honest? Can I be honest? Can I tell her all I can think about is seeing her in that bio-suit again and watching her move, watching her figure. No I can’t tell her that I just want to see her body.
“Scared.” Ooops, I guess it was honest.
“And could you tell me what scares you? Remember you’re safe with me I need you to know that you can tell me anything.”
“I think I’m in love with you.”
She smiled wide, “Thank you for telling me, I know how hard that was.”
I sighed out, feeling a little better.

Chapter 10
All created by thoughts
I was excited waiting for Kial to get dressed. Today I was going to get him into the dream-scape, another step closer to beating Cril, but more importantly for me a step closer to Kial.
There are three rings in the dream-scape, separated by barriers meant to keep the mares out. Occasionally, ones get past. The inner circle where the city and the civilians dream. The mid-circle which is where we train, outside of the dreamers but free from mares. The outer circle where the mares roam freely. We went to the outer circle to hunt mares and keep them away from the city. Mares range in size also, from the small K-type mares to the Y-type, which no one knight team can defeat. I had seen all types, K’s, M’s, G’s even some of the more powerful P’s and E’s.
Mares are weird creatures, they echo your thoughts. They can manifest fears, absurdities that confuse, present themselves as loved ones or friends with whom there is an unresolved conflict, anything that distracts you from the fact that the dream-scape is all created by thoughts. The smaller mares seem to ignore you but the stronger ones will follow or even seek you out.
I once faced an E-type as a first gen, I didn’t realise that I was even staring hypnotically at it. I only felt a desire, a pull, something beautiful I wanted. It was just a rainbow pinwheel spinning, but it felt like something more. And then, Blen told me to run and I flew back to the inner circle as fast as I could get my mental self passed the barriers.
No one is really sure why the mares behave the way they do. We just try to keep them away from the city.
The barriers themselves exhibit mare-like behaviour, reflecting thoughts and fears, which prevents the mares from crossing them. The inner barrier is less powerful than the outer barrier. There’s a trick to crossing them, but until you’ve been out and back a few times, it eludes you.
Facing a barrier also brings out surface fears and emotions. They are normally small things, things that I could talk Kial through on the spot. The outer barrier is much more difficult. It’s designed to keep the mares out, but it can also challenge an untrained mind. All first-gens have difficulties facing the outer barrier. I know I did.
@ 
On the other side
I stepped out of my dorm adjusting the last of the bio-suit’s fasteners, Teek was waiting, her usual smile as she looked me up and down.
“How are you feeling?”
“I don’t know, um, nervous or excited, I guess.”
“You’ll do fine, I’ll be able to tell you everything you need to know. Don’t worry about the next steps I’ll be right there to talk you through it.”
I felt a little more relaxed, letting go of worrying about not knowing what to do. We started walking.
I asked “So, the dream-scape, are we piloting some kind of vehicle in it?”
She gave a small laugh “I can see why you think that, but no, we enter it with our minds, like a dream, and you have to use your training to keep your mind focused and prevent yourself from daydreaming or following your thoughts or as we call it, drifting.”
She paused, letting the information sink in. “In the dream-scape, we’re not confined by physical laws. We can move through spaces, interact with entities, and shape our environment with our minds. It’s a place where our inner worlds merge, and we have to be in complete harmony to handle the challenges we face, like rendering mares.”
I frowned, still trying to wrap my mind around the concept. “So, we’re not using any controls or interfaces?”
“Oh, no.” she began, “It’s much more intimate.” she stepped closer to me and I held my breath. her proximity was both exciting and frightening, I had to step backwards. She reached out her arm for me, “Hey you’ll do fine, just remember that you can’t and shouldn’t hide your thoughts from me because it will be dangerous for us.”
I stood stunned, feeling my heart racing, all my fears about my feelings towards her beginning to show I managed a weak “Mmm.”
She smiled her comforting smile and held me by both my shoulders, her gaze fixed on mine, she spoke slowly and calmly “Let it go, you are working yourself up with anticipation, I’ll be your guide trust me, I can handle it. I’ve been out there hundreds of times I know what to do and I know what you need to do.”
My breathing started again, my back let a little bit of the tension go, but the real killer was not what I had to do but what if my feelings for her began to show?
We continued walking, and I took a deep breath, focussing on walking helped, I was looking at the doorways and panels on the walls, tracing the shape they made, taking my mind off my feelings for Teek. We turned the last corner the door loomed in front of me, and my panic returned, my mind jumped to what was on the other side? would we be in the dream-scape as soon as we stepped through? Would she be able to see everything I ever thought about her? I froze. She sensed my hesitation and turned to me, and gave me a gentle hug.
She stepped back and poked my head saying “Relax your mind,” poked my chest, “relax your body.” She held out her hand “Come with me, I’ll show you the way.”
At first I thought that was stupid the door was right in front of me, but then it hit me, she was saying I’ll show you how. And I felt safe in her hands. A smile returned to my face, and I suddenly felt excited to be stepping into the unknown with her, this person I had such strong feelings for saying ‘let me show you.’
My courage returning I spoke excitedly “Alright then.”
She smiled, her eyes shining with pride and confidence. “Then let’s go dreaming.”

Chapter 11
Hold onto that thought
I stepped into the projection room and right into a sci-fi movie. The room was filled with upright harnesses contoured to fit an operator. The room itself looked like it extended on forever. Looking closely at the walls I noticed enormous LED panels, showing an ever changing alien landscape. The room seemed alive humming and pulsing to its own beat, I immediately felt caught up in its hypnotic pull.
Teek reached out for me, even her touch surprised me, causing my suit to react sending sparks up my arm.
Teek smiled at me noticing my reaction to the contoured frames, “They’re called Immersion chairs. What do you think of them?” As we stood next to them.
“They look uncomfortable” I replied, noticing the arms spread out in a T like pose.
“Not at all. ” she replied, “Here, let me help you get in.”
I stepped up my back to the chair.
“Step your feet up on the base.”
As I did my legs fell immediately backwards, causing me to lose balance and the rest of me fell into the contours. my arms poking uncomfortably forward, she took my arm and held it up inline with the arm, I guess you could call them guides. My whole body felt incredibly supported, I moved my other arm into the other guide.
I looked across at the chair opposite me, I assume where Teek would be, a bit confronting I’d be looking across at her, but only our feet would be touching so not too bad.
“Okay,” she began “before you move your head into position, I want you to remember and practise your projection training, I know for your first time you’re not going to be able to remain aware of the transition, but practice anyway and you’ll get better at it. Don’t lean back yet, wait for me to get into position.”
I noticed how much I was shaking now, that mix of excitement and fear, my first trip into the dream-scape, Teek’s hinting that my mind was going to lose awareness, I swallowed. I felt it in my stomach, butterflies but I don’t think it was the good kind. I watched her climb in her side, I noticed a monitor on an arm, she tapped on it before swinging it away. Then I felt a slight jolt, a movement, the chair was moving, was this us entering the dream-scape? I had to remember to focus, awareness of my surroundings, watching Teek, getting closer, what?
I continued to concentrate on her, but the chairs were moving to an upright position. And the next thing I know she is looking straight into my eyes, our bodies lightly touching.
I swallowed, she could feel me. This was too much, I wanted to look away, but at her at the same time.
“Kial,” Her voice always calm and comforting, “Look at me, hold my gaze. It will help you focus. We’re about to enter the dream-scape, just recline your head, hold my gaze and keep your practice up.” Her smile contagious, like she was thinking about something truly exciting.
I heard her voice again, waking me slightly, “I’m joining us with rods, just relax” she spoke. The chairs had gone. Something felt wrong, I was being skewered, and I couldn’t focus on where her voice was coming from, it wasn’t in front of me.
“Kial, breath, relax and trust, we’re in the dream-scape” I managed to steady myself. I think I wanted to fall.
Something didn’t feel right, “This doesn’t feel right.” I realised my voice tinged with panic. My heart started to race painfully in my chest.
“Kial, hold my gaze.” Again I looked into her eyes, and noticed the intricate pattern of webbing that made up her iris. Hell everything about her is beautiful. I just wanted her. I felt myself, relax and fall into her.
“We are in the dream-scape now.” What? But nothing looked different, madly checking around to see what it looked like. “No, don’t look around, you need to look at me so I can lift you up but you have to trust me and let yourself fall.”
Right. I thought. Looking at Teek. No don’t look at Teek, she’ll realise I just want to see her body. I breathed. In. Out.
“Good.” She spoke and I felt the ground move away from us, and again, like a distracted chicken, I scrambled to regain my footing. I felt dizzy, nothing beneath my feet. The dizziness overcame me, I tensed, I felt myself resist her. A jolt shocking me.
I opened my eyes and saw Teek opposite me. Oh shit. I panicked myself out of the dream-scape. I felt so foolish.
“I’m sorry.”
She smiled at me, “Oh. My. Universe, Kial you did awesome. I knew I could keep you up and out for three whole minutes, Cril will not be happy.”
Why won’t Cril be happy? I had overheard a few things, I think Teek and Cril had a bet going.
“You are taking to this like a duck to water. You ready to try again?”
The way she spoke, the way she looked so excited, her smile, her teeth, the way she pushed her hair back behind her ear, everything about her I wanted. but what would she think of me if I told her? I couldn’t have her anyway, she was Blen’s and she was my navigator, and what I wanted from her was off limits. So I put that out of my head.
I felt myself waking slightly, the chairs gone again, I tried to think, what happened to them? It didn’t make sense then her voice, “Kial, your thoughts are drifting, hold my gaze, it will help us stay connected.” I looked at her, but it was difficult, like I could feel my thoughts about wanting her flow straight through my gaze and she could read them.
“Don’t worry about you’re thoughts, be present with me.” My breathing quickened. I looked at her. I could feel the rods that held my arms and body fixed against her. Her arms stretched outwards like wings of an aeroplane. Her eyes. She was concentrating on something. Oh, I wanted her. I looked at her face. She relaxed.
“What?” I spoke, my voice sounded like it was all around me.
“Look down.” As I did, I noticed the projection room, hundreds of metres below. I felt my panic quickly change into excitement and let her take me. My body shook. I let myself be carried by her, and I felt slightly weak in my arms and legs, like the panic and the adrenalin had gone. I started to relax.
As I watched the city around me. I saw other people, some of them were flying, some of them leaping from building to building. Each of them changing from one thing to another.
“They are the cities dreamers.” She said, “that’s where we all go every night.”
“So we can see other peoples dreams? Don’t they get in the way of our work?”
“We have to cross the first barrier to get away from them.” she stopped. “Let me show you it.”
We left the city far behind, the landscape blurring as we flew. I noticed a large luminous blue dome, its vast expanse enveloping us. As we drew closer, I felt her skin next to mine, and for a moment, I thought I was naked with her. Panic surged through me, and I looked away.
We suddenly pulled away and paused on the ground.
“Kial, look at me, what did you see?” Teek’s voice was serious, cutting through my thoughts. No, I couldn’t tell her that I imagined her naked. Shit, Kial, put that thought out of your head. She doesn’t want to know about your fantasies.
“Kial tell me what you saw, it will help get you through the barrier.”
“I don’t think I can.” How would she feel if she knew that all I was thinking about was me and her getting physical and nothing else? No, I can focus that away. I breathed. And looked into her beautiful eyes.
“Kial, I understand, I was a first-gen too. Just tell me, we can work it out.” Even the way she spoke made my heart melt. I just wanted her. But I couldn’t have her. So that thought had to be put away.
“No, it’s nothing, I’m just not focusing.”
“Okay then.” we took off again. Her words slurred uttering a solitary “Oh” Then she spoke up once more, leaving me to wonder what she meant. “Kay.” We hurtled toward the barrier, and I caught her saying “Oh” again. What was she up to? “Kay OOOOh, check me out, Kial.” I glanced over. Oh no. She was naked again how? “No.” I recoiled, and we crashed to the ground once more. My breath short and sharp. My mind filled with dread. I imagined that didn’t I? I hell I hope she couldn’t see it. Could she? What is she thinking of me?
“What happened Kial?” I tried to look away, “Hold my gaze, so you don’t drift.” I looked back at her scared that she still might be inappropriately dressed. Fortunately not, but she was still the attractive beautiful person. Why can’t I focus? It was supposed to be about the mission, the dream-scape. But all I could think was her smile, the laughter in her eyes, the way her presence consumed everything around me. What was happening?
“That’s the second time,” She started, “you can’t do it by yourself, and that’s okay, I’m here to help you through it no matter what you are thinking, whatever it is I promise it will be okay.”
“I can’t.” I said sheepishly. She didn’t want to know what I imagined her saying or doing with me.
“Remember your training, the admission, I know it’s hard, I’ve been where you are many times, but trust the process, whatever you are thinking is so wrong with you, will really be okay.”
“I can’t I’m…” my thoughts stopped, what am I again? Oh thinking about her nak…No stop thinking that.
She looked at me intently, her eyes curious, a genuine interest in what I was going though. Could I tell her? I think I needed to. I began to cry, the thought of admitting it was too much.
I calmed slightly and took a deep breath, Teek still watching me, I swallowed.
She tipped her head slightly, curiously, I started “I,” but again I couldn’t form the words.
“I’m disgusting. What I want is wrong.”
“And what do you want? Trust me it’s not as bad as you think it is.” Oh no, I thought. She looked straight into my eyes. I went to look away.
“Yes it is,” my mind found a way to dance around the subject, yeah this would work, “I can’t work with you Teek, I find you too distracting, I’m too attracted to you.”
My breathing was rapid, “I’m attracted to you too.” Suddenly I breathed quickly and forcefully at her admission. The shock quickly passed and the panic drained from me making me feel slightly dizzy. I breathed deeply.
“But I think it’s more than that, I think there is something else you’re really afraid of. Could you find the courage to tell me?” She paused and spoke softly, barely a whisper “Please?”
Oh hell. Even the way she asked made me want to jump right off that cliff into that fear. I closed my eyes unable to believe I was about to say. “I can’t help thinking about you.” Come on Kial she said please. “Everytime I look at you I can’t help it, I’m so sorry, but I keep thinking about you…” Oh hell was I really about to say this, I noticed my breathing was sharp again. Out with it, just say it, then she’ll yell some insult at me fly back to the projection room and I won’t have to see her again. “naked.” I felt the walls cave in around me. I watched her expression, when was she about to get angry? Just get it over with.
Her expression turned to joy, “Thank you, that must’ve been really difficult to admit.” Then I felt her hug me, no, that was definitely not a hug, what was that? It was more like I felt her, her? What did we just do?
“How would you feel if I said I would?” she seemed to ask without thinking first.
I gasped, shocked with excitement. My face must’ve given me away she spoke “Hold onto that thought.”
She lifted me up again, and we approached the barrier. With my admission out in the open I wondered what the barrier would throw up for me. We drew closer. This time I was wanting to see her again, I felt that feeling of being woken. Everything was peaceful.
“We’ve crossed.” She looked triumphant. I breathed and felt like I was going to cry, the stress of facing my feelings about her finally releasing from my mind. But now I couldn’t help thinking, how I am feeling if she said she would. Would she? No. But I had to know. The thought was driving me insane and I actually felt safe to ask.
“Did you mean what you just said?” Teek looked sheepish, and I could tell it took all her discipline not to hide from it.
“Yeah, I don’t know where that came from, but I’ve learnt to trust myself.” she paused feeling the gravity of her earlier words. “I’m not going to break our trust especially anything said out here, in the dream-scape.”
I didn’t quite follow, was that a, I said it because it felt right but I’m not going to. Or anything I say out here I won’t take back? The answer still confused me, I had to know.
“I’m sorry Teek, is that a yes or a no?”
I felt it from her, fear, oh hell, that was strong, and I recognised it wasn’t me. Wait a minute was she feeling my fear about her all the way to the barrier?
“Kial, yes I can hear your thoughts and you’ll be able to sense my fear, I have more skill at it so my thoughts won’t be as likely to show. But stop thinking, stop drifting, focus on me.”
She paused, and I felt that fear “And to answer your question, that is a yes.” my heart skipped.
She picked me up again, and flew around the middle circle, there were no wandering dreamers, just a dead calm. Peace came over me, no more thoughts of her. She headed towards the barrier. Now what to expect? I felt her arms hold me tightly and felt myself falling. I heard her say “Come with me.”
This time the images of her were more like a comic, just fictional, their power diminished. Then I recognised the walls of the projection room. We were descending.
This time we were standing on the ground, the rods holding us together stretched and flexed.
I think I heard her say waking and suddenly I felt the contours of the chair supporting me, A mechanical hum as I saw Teek retreating from, the supports returning to their reclining position. My body surprisingly tired, my thoughts about her no longer worried me. She came towards me and kissed me. “You rock.” she stood.
I noticed that everyone was watching the main screen. The images of the dream-scape familiar but different.
“Cril is about to get Mirl past the outer barrier. She’s taking a very shallow angle so that he doesn’t have to deal with it all at once.” Teek explained.
There was a cheer as they apparently made it to the outer circle. “Aren’t there mares out there?” I asked.
“Yes, but Cril is very fast. She’ll have him back in the projection room before we could get over there to congratulate her.”
Indeed, she was. I saw her whisper something to Mirl and then get up from the chair. I saw Drit looking excited up at the monitor, next to him, I assumed his navigator Kelz her arms wrapped around him. Everyone wanted to hug her, but she came straight towards us.
“I heard that you got into middle circle, nice work.” Cril said to Teek, “but I’m still one step ahead of you, girl.” Cril’s smile almost wider than her face. They hugged and patted each other on the back.
She looked over at me, “Hey Kial, So you undressed Teek in the dream-scape, huh?”
Me? What? I still didn’t like others knowing. I didn’t know what to say, and she knew it. She smiled a sly smile at me, knowing that she had shocked me, then left with Mirl.
I turned to Teek, feeling a little dazed. She reassured me, “Don’t mind Cril, she’s like that.”
Teek looked a little uncomfortable for some reason and said, “Come on. we’ll talk about it in the garden wing.”

Chapter 12
He came through
I sat with Kial in the garden. There was a lot to go over from our recent activities in the dream-scape. As they say, a lot to unpack.
I had thrown him into the deep end, working his desire for me, and its twin edge, his shame for feeling desire. I knew what he wanted, and I had been playing it. Pushing him towards it. I knew he was attracted to me and he was just being human. Letting him know it was okay to share. That he had to trust me enough to share. I pushed him, and he came through.
Hopefully now he knew enough to share with me anything that may come out to haunt us in the dream-scape.
He sat patiently for me, waiting. Was something else wrong that I didn’t pick up? I quickly realised he was waiting for me to start talking.
I started casually, “A bit of a trip, huh?”
“Yeah,” he spoke cautiously.
I took a breath and sighed. Thinking to myself, yeah, I could take the lead on this one.
“Your first question is why are the seats that way that I’m in your face?” I paused knowing that he would be wondering how I knew this.
So I continued “The seats join our mental and emotional states. Your intense thoughts and feelings come right through our link. I am aware of what has been troubling you.”
He frowned, “Wha…so you’ve known I’ve been wanting you and wanting to see you the whole time we were in the dream-scape?”
I softened, “I can only show you your fears, but you have to challenge yourself to confront them.”
He turned and gave a small chuckle, and sighed. “You’ve been aware I was uncomfortable with it the whole time.”
“Yeah, and that’s why I think I offered to show you more, partially to say I’m sorry and partially to face my own fear.”
He looked at me, puzzled. “Your own fear?”
I nodded, taking a deep breath. “Yes. That one is not easy for me either, Kial. My first architect didn’t have those thoughts, and never challenged me. But you have. We need to trust each other completely in the dream-scape. I wanted to show you that it’s okay to be vulnerable, to share your fears and desires with me.”
He seemed to relax a bit, the tension easing from his shoulders. “So, what happens now?”
I smiled gently. “Now, we continue to build that trust. We keep talking, keep sharing. It’s the only way we’ll be able to navigate the dream-scape effectively. You did great today, Kial. You faced your fear and shared it with me. That’s a huge step forward.”
He returned my smile, albeit a bit shyly. “Thanks, Teek. I’ll try to be more open with you from now on.”
I reached out and squeezed his hand. “That’s all I ask, Kial. This is how we make a great team.”

Chapter 13
Now you see me
Kial was in the shower, washing up after his trip past the inner barrier. I was still contemplating why I had said that I would show myself naked to him. At the time, I just wanted to get past the barrier. His mind had been grappling with the idea for so long, that I think a little of his desire became mine.
The other reason is that it brought something up for me, my self-image. Even though I was used to wearing the bio-suit, which didn’t leave much to the imagination, being totally naked for someone scared me. I’m not really talking about a lover who you are casually naked for. But being naked as an act, where they are solely looking at you, I mean me being naked, this scared the universe out of me. I really, really didn’t want to do it. However, I had learned to recognise my fears when they arose, and this was one to face. When I was a first-gen with Blen, the trust developed before the fear, I had become so comfortable around him that being naked didn’t concern me. So I never faced it. But now Kial wanted it, his thoughts and feelings craved it, and in a moment of truth, I offered.
I couldn’t turn back. I couldn’t offer my architect something and then withdraw, that would destroy our trust and our relationship, and I had worked hard to get him to open to me. Now I must do the same.
It couldn’t just be me in a gown and quickly flashing him. This needed to be proper. I had to let him fully take in my sight. Oh universe, what had I gotten into? The thought of him studying me made me want to run and hide. I felt like a first-gen again, so much wanting to avoid what was coming, wanting to just push it away, hide from it. Normally, I had Blen there to help me, to hold my hand and to tell me that it was okay. But I was alone by myself. I had to rely on my strength. Actually, I lie, Kial would be with me, and if I couldn’t trust my architect, who could I?
I was looking through my cabinet for something to wear when I felt Kial hug me. I was so wrapped up in worrying about my task that I didn’t even hear him approach. He kissed my neck.
“It’s okay, Teek. I didn’t know how much this was bothering you. You don’t have to do it.”
I turned to face him, to tell him that this would help me. He was naked. He stepped backward so I could see him, he posed, flexing his muscles. My stomach bounced, my hand instinctively went to touch his chest, and I grew both anxious and excited.
“I wouldn’t expect you to do something that I wouldn’t do myself,” he spoke like a second-gen. He posed, holding his muscles tight. I couldn’t help the grin that covered my face. He did look gorgeous, tight. I loved the fact that he was now being very vulnerable in front of me. Facing one of our fears gives us a brief feeling of invulnerability. Maybe Kial was still invulnerable from facing the inner barrier.
I hugged him. “Thank you.” I rested my head on his shoulder, my heart pounding from both watching him and worrying about what I would do. I looked into his eyes. “You know that this is very difficult for me,” he went to speak, but I stopped him. “I need to do this.” I’m not sure if he understood why. “Sit.”
He got dressed as I found something suitable to take off, then went to my terminal to find a piece of music that would help me relax into the moment and got dressed in the bathroom.
The music started. I listened, standing in front of him. “Remember what I said earlier, Kial? About facing our fears and being vulnerable?” I began, my voice softer now, more intimate.
He nodded, his eyes never leaving mine.
I took a deep breath, feeling the music wash over me, grounding me. “I want to show you…” I breathed, even the thought of telling him was I was about to do paralysed me. “I want to show you, me.” I said, my voice trembling slightly.
His eyes widened slightly, and I could see the conflict in his gaze, excitement, fear, respect. I focused on the latter. He deserved to see that I trusted him as much as he trusted me.
I decided to strip-tease. I breathed, taking in the light percussion and electronic chords that carried me into the dream-scape each night. I began to move slowly, deliberately, taking time to enjoy being in my body. I kept my eyes on his. I wanted to see his reaction, to gauge his understanding. His gaze was steady, filled with a mixture of awe and respect. It gave me the courage to continue.
Analogue synths kicked in, and I slowly removed my top, throwing it away as the music peaked. I breathed, running my hands over my naked chest and along my legs. I stretched up, letting the music carry me away allowing me to briefly forget what I was doing, instead enjoying moving to the music.
I felt more exposed, not just physically, but emotionally. I was laying bare a part of myself that I had kept hidden, even from him.
Running my hands down my body again, this time taking my pants with them.
With the final layer off, I stood before him, vulnerable and open.
“This is me, Kial,” I said softly, my voice barely above a whisper. “Now you see me.”
I continued to move slowly, allowing him to see me. He was silent, letting me be in my own space. I breathed and focused on him. It was the biggest smile ever I had seen on him, he looked very much like he was seeing my vulnerability and not just my physical form. He was very understanding, being so quiet until the music finished.
I stood, breathing heavily from the dancing and the anxiety. The music had ended, leaving only silence and the sound of my breath.
I walked toward him slowly, each step deliberate. I stopped in front of him, close enough that he could reach out if he wanted. Almost a permission to touch, though I wasn’t sure I could handle that yet.
I noticed tears on his face. He was crying.
“Kial?” I asked softly, concerned.
He looked up at me, his voice breaking. "No one has ever done something like this for me before, Teek. I feel that my desires have been acknowledged. Thank you."
My chest tightened. His gratitude, his tearsâ€”this wasn’t judgment. This wasn’t mockery. This was, acceptance. I reached out and touched his face, wiping away his tears.
“Thank you for seeing me,” I whispered.
He stood up, his movements gentle and respectful. “Thank you, Teek,” he replied, his voice filled with sincerity. “You are very beautiful.”
We stood there, the silence between us filled with unspoken words and shared understanding. This was a turning point. We were growing stronger as a team, it would make us a formidable force.
As I began to redress, I felt a sense of peace wash over me. I had faced my fear, and in doing so, I had strengthened our bond. Kial’s gaze never wavered, his respect and admiration noticeable.
He left and I got ready for bed. I didn’t remember entering the dream-scape that morning. I just remember running through the streets of the city naked, screaming out, “Look at me everyone, this is me.”

Chapter 14
Mirl and Cril
“Come to the gym with me.”
It was the first time she asked and I wondered why, but I agreed and we started going regularly, to run, bike, lift weights. And this is where I first got to really meet Cril, oh hell, what a handful. I think her first insinuation was, had I slept with Teek? I froze, wondering how this battering ram of a personality was friends with the gentle Teek. I remembered back to that second-gen architect, what was, Oh Drit, yeah he said, I hope you like being challenged. Watching those two, Mirl and Cril, they seemed to thrive on it.
Cril was taller than Teek, more slender but with much more definition. I recognised her as the one who first spoke when I arrived as a recruit. She had long blonde hair which she pulled back tight into a ponytail that covered her link interface. She wore a crop top which left her shoulders exposed, showing off the muscles in her arms and waist, and compression shorts which matched her top.
“You like what you see?” She taunted me when she noticed I was looking. I swallowed, smiled, nodded. “Not yours.” she followed up with.
Teek wore a fitted shirt and track pants pulled tight at the waist, a small gap of skin showing between them.
At first I thought Cril was being mean. the way she taunted Teek, but then Teek playfully shut her down. “Cril, maybe if you spent less time teasing me and more time with Mirl, he’d actually satisfy you.” Holy crap, Teek wasn’t just weak and mild. Confidently and brilliantly shutting down Cril.
But it didn’t stop there Cril teased Teek “When you’ve finished here, maybe we can go back to my room for a good time?”
What was happening?
Teek responding “How about you go alone.”
Cril laughed, “Mirl? You’d show a girl a good time wouldn’t you?”
“As long as I’m not too hard for you.” Mirl said to Cril, smirking as he pushed himself on the bike.
“You’re never hard enough for me,” Cril shot back with a grin.
Fortunately, Teek wasn’t like that, with me. “What did you get this time?”
“Just under fifty minutes.” I said panting and slowing the treadmill, I needed a break. Teek sat beside me. “What’s the bet you have with Cril?” I asked her.
Teek smiled, gave a small laugh. “I don’t want to put you off by telling you.”
Hmm, let me think what has everyone been talking about? Mares. I’d overheard the more experienced knights talking about something called rendering. It sounded like the way they defeated them. Oh and something else stuck in my head, I wasn’t sure if I should bring it up with Teek, I overheard on of the architects say something like, I was streaming hard, couldn’t keep my hands off her. After the boundaries put in place around physical intimacy and sexual intimacy, aren’t they the same thing? It sounded scary.
“Let me guess, the first to render a mare.”
She tried to hide her smile but couldn’t quite manage it. “Yeah, you got it.”
“What do I need to do?” I asked, not because I wanted to beat Cril and Mirl, but because I wanted to please Teek.
“Don’t worry about it, remember how you felt as we were working with the first barrier. How worried you were seeing me in my bio-suit, how ashamed you felt and the fear radiated off you when I said you can’t hide your thoughts from me in the dream-scape.”
Hmm, yeah those first moments were frightening. I nodded.
“I know you can handle it, I wouldn’t be pushing you if I didn’t think you were ready, you trust me?”
Even the way she spoke, I felt at ease, “Yeah, I think I’m ready to face whatever comes up.”
“Good,” She smiled “because the outer barrier makes the inner one feel like child’s play.”
Okay no longer feeling good.
“Hey,” She reached out placing he hand on my cheek, turning my head towards her, “I wouldn’t make you face it if you weren’t ready. I know you’re ready.”
How does she manage to fill me with fear and confidence at the same time?

Chapter 15
An upside down circular saw
Kial lay back the chair, he had already linked with it, he was getting more and more comfortable relaxing and letting go. I watched his reactions on the monitor. His breathing deep and regular, his heart rate slowing. His alpha waves slowly crawling down to theta. Getting him up into the dream-scape was simple now, in fact he desired me to do it and that really made me feel good. I remember that Blen also liked me carrying him away, although Blen was much more aware of the dream-scape than Kial. Blen would call me his dark angel come to carry him to the monsters. Kial was much more oblivious, He would be drifting by the time I entered the dream-scape and would wake on the way to the inner barrier. He would occasionally get an image of me and him being more physical. Though his images were slowly transforming, from the raw desire of his first crossing to being more and more gentle. Occasionally he could focus on me all the way through the inner barrier. We would perform advanced flight manoeuvres in the middle circle. These are good for evading mares, or attracting their attention while others render it. Getting him familiar with the sort of moves we may make when facing a mare.
We had tried the outer barrier a few times but something very deep came up, he wasn’t sure about it at first, he just cried in my arms all the way back to his room, and even late into the morning, he wanted me to stay with him.
The next time came anger, he pieced a few random thoughts together, he was young teenager, with a girl, and she hurt him quite badly. She had made fun of him. But the details weren’t there. I think it came out before the next time we approached the barrier. He had spent a couple of hours in the gym getting his anger out. He told me what had happened between him, a friend of his and this girl. I don’t know if the details were important but the girl and his friend humiliated him in front of his school class. One thing I’ve learnt is that people can get hurt pretty badly over sexuality. Especially when young.
The next time we tried the barrier the confusion came out he wanted to know why. I told him that why wasn’t needed and that he should let his body heal. Emotional wounds hurt more than just the mind, they also affect the body, and the cellular memory needs to release the injury. If he was able to release it then he could reunite with the lost energy wounded from his past.
So again we faced the barrier. I knew that this time we would make it. I came in at my usual angle, and became aware of the dorm room that the event took place in. Again I saw his friend and the girl. This time Kial stood up and said “forget it guys.” The story changed and everything went black, Kial had lost focus. I deflected from the barrier and came to rest inside the mid-circle. I could see that he was frustrated.
“I can’t convert the image. I can’t rewrite it.” He was disillusioned, “I really wanted her to do it.”
What did I feel from him? His desire again, that longing, that excitement, that first time. That feeling that there was not going to be another opportunity, fear of missing out, desperation. I tried talking “Why don’t you allow her to please you? Enjoy the idea?”
“I can’t, I’m so afraid of him opening the door and letting everyone see me.”
“Remove him first, tell him to leave.” I suggested.
“OK. I’ll try that.” Kial readied himself for another try.
I picked him up again and made him comfortable moving about, “ready?”
Images of the dorm room re-appeared, “I know what you are going to do.” Kial spoke to his friend. “Why don’t you just leave now.” And so his friend left and so did the girl.
His mind sabotaged the fantasy.
I felt a little disappointed that Kial’s mind would create that for him, but he was still healing and his memory of the event was portrayed badly.
I could see Kial drifting, his thoughts no longer on the event or aware of the dream-scape. I backed away again from the barrier.
He woke again “I’m never going to get over this one, Teek.” He looked solemn.
“You will, Kial, you just need to find the part of you which you lost that day.”
“All I could think of how excited I was that I thought she was going to be intimate with me.”
I knew how he felt. Felt? Wait, stop Teek, I was forgetting what I was trying to do here. I was mistakenly using fantasy to manifest the feeling he wanted.
I remember Blen once asking me about a wound I had over a girl, “Were you intimate?” He asked. No, but I wanted to. “How would you feel if she had said yes?” he asked. I closed my eyes and felt it, acceptance, safety, desire without shame. “That feeling is real,” he said. “Practice feeling that way, and it will become normal for you.”
“Kial,” I touched his cheek, he looked at me almost defeated.
“I can’t do it, I’m scared of myself, Teek. I feel that if I want something that desperately again, I’ll never recover.”
“What did you want to feel that day?” I asked gently.
He closed his eyes. “Excited. Wanted. Like I was enough.”
“And what did you feel instead?”
“Humiliated. Laughed at. Like I was disgusting for wanting her.”
“Okay,” I said. “Close your eyes. Imagine you’re sitting on your bed, just like that day. But this time, feel what you wanted to feel. Excited. Wanted. Enough.”
I picked him up and approached the barrier slowly. I could feel his thoughts shifting, not rewriting the past, but practicing the feeling he’d been denied.
“How would you feel if someone said yes to your desire and didn’t laugh?” I asked.
His breath caught. “Wanted.”
“That’s it. Hold that feeling. Let it fill you.” my voice softened “I want your desire.”
I watched his thoughts. He was sitting on his bed, but this time he wasn’t ashamed. He was waiting, vulnerable, and it felt safe. The door opened, not the girl, not me, just an abstract presence. Someone who saw him and didn’t laugh.
“Be with me, Teek,” he whispered.
I dived through the barrier as he released a breath. The shame dissolved. We were through.
“We’re through.”
I’m not sure if I saw fear or excitement in him. “Oh hell. Any mares?”
I sped around the outer barrier, before any mares could sense us, or couldn’t keep up with us if they did.
“Look outward, you might catch a glimpse of one.”
Outward was grey, distance was difficult to perceive, patterns swirled in the distance. “Look Kial, a mare.” It was only a type K or M pretty common this close to the barrier. I stopped so he could watch it.
“It looks like an upside down circular saw, spinning.” He said. Mares can be like clouds you can see patterns in them.
“Come on, let’s get back to the projection room.” I picked him up and flew back.
I felt comforted in the image of us holding each other, asleep, as I passed back through the outer barrier. The thought of him and I wasn’t so shocking. He allowed the image of the girl to please him. He wasn’t scared of what happened. The others in his group may’ve laughed, but maybe he had done something they were all secretly jealous of.
I felt the back of the chair against my spine, as I returned to waking. Kial woke shortly after me. A big smile grew across his face. “I finally made it.”

Chapter 16
Let’s go hunting
I was about ready to sleep when my door chimed.
“Come in Kial” I called, I knew it was him. A beautiful side effect of working in the dream-scape together.
“How did you know it was me?”
“Haven’t you been feeling it?” I probed, I guess not, he didn’t know what to expect, the subtle feeling we shared. I was only wearing my dressing gown.
He shook his head.
“I’m just getting ready for bed, what’s up?” I felt he knew that I wasn’t dressed underneath.
“Since we last went beyond the outer circle, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you.” He sat next to me on the bed.
“Yes, that’s the feeling. it’s a result of our time in the dream-scape, it only gets stronger.” I smiled.
“Don’t say that, it’s too much already.” his voice desperate, I knew what he wanted, “This no sex thing is unbearable.” He stepped closer to me, I felt his body touch mine.
I let myself feel his touch, and for an instant, I considered giving in. Actively being in the dream-scape and rendering mares usually took away this desire, but our sessions were short, and with Kial, everything felt more intense, more immediate. Still, I knew this was the boundary of our intimacy, one I would not cross. “No, it’ll ruin our connection,” I said firmly.
“When we’re rendering all that will be gone.” Hang on this gave me a wonderfully wicked idea.
“Come on, I have the perfect thing for you.” I pushed him off and stood up, walking over to my cabinet.
“What?” he asked, a mix of confusion and anticipation in his voice. I let his question slide as I retrieved my bio-suit from the cabinet, letting my gown fall to the ground. I could sense his gaze on me as I fastened the suit, feeling his anticipation. I turned to face him, seeing the surprise and desire in his eyes.
“Let’s go hunting.”
@ 
A floating fizzy Teek
She opened the door with her voice. “Teek, second-gen two nine six nine six.”
“Are we allowed to be in here at this time?”
She pulled me close and I went to kiss her. She put her finger to my mouth. “Teams train anytime. I’ll be able to get you out past the barriers and we’ll render a mare. You’re in the perfect mood. You’ll be fine.”
“Just be creative.” she spoke prodding my forehead with her finger in time with her words.
She called “Controller, one chair active.”
“Climb on.” she instructed.
I didn’t need to be told twice, I had been longing to get close to her again and this is as close as we were allowed. I lent back in the chair as I felt the awareness of my connection to the dream-scape. She typed away for too long. “What are we doing this time, Teek?”
“We’re going to go render a mare, trust me, I’ll try and keep you grounded.”
“So, how do we do that?”
She climbed onto me, and the feeling of her in my lap was almost unbearable. “I’ll find a mare out so you can see its initial form and behaviour. You need to balance your emotions, keep your fear and desire in check.”
I nodded, trying to focus on her words despite the physical closeness.
“Then, you render it into something harmless. Use your creativity. Think outside the box something it won’t anticipate”
I closed my eyes, trying to keep all the steps in order.
“Once it’s rendered, you need to pull it towards us. It won’t come if it’s not rendered. Okay?”
She lent back into the chair. I felt light pin pricks of desire sweep my skin in waves, I knew that my awareness was creeping towards hers.
I looked into her eyes, trying to push away my fears. “Teek, I’m scared. Not just of the mares, but of my feelings for you.”
I looked into her eyes and breathed, she looked into mine, breathe. I looked into hers. Out. Looking into mine. In. Out. Breathe. Looking into her eyes as she looked into mine.
We were standing in the dream-scape again. I was supported by her rods. I let out a sigh. “Yes.”
My desire for her was transformed, it was no longer a physical need but a full-body experience, like lying in a fizzy glass. Bubbles rushed all over me. Focusing on Teek gave me immense pleasure, her face was the only thing in the city that mattered. The most desirable thing.
She whispered “That was the inner barrier.” I wasn’t even aware we passed through it, all I wanted was her, all I could think about was her. My body melted into hers, as she lent back in the chair.
I told her “I’m imagining us intimate in the projection room.”
All I could hear from her was the word “Me.” and I felt the strangest feeling, like my mind went click.
“That’s because of the outer barrier, we did it.” she spoke triumphantly.
I looked around trying to see what was here but the images confused me, they flowed into each other, like a painting that was constantly bubbling, churning and spinning.
“Focus on me Kial, tell me how do I feel?”
I felt her body close to mine, joined by a series of silver rods. “Beautiful.”
“Good, Don’t focus outwards the stronger mares will only confuse you. I’m going to find something we can handle.”
“How many mares can you see?”
“Twenty or thirty at a distance. Mostly Gs, Ts and Ps. That’s why I can see them so far out.”
I watched as her body glided us through the outer circle. It was graceful, and she used her legs and arms like rudders. Gliding on currents of air, if there was air out here, and reacting to changes in those currents. She looked insanely delicate. There was no way I could get tired of watching her.
“We’ve got one, look.”
She didn’t point with any part of herself, but I knew exactly where she meant. I looked out at the flowing edges of the dream-scape, I couldn’t really tell what I was looking at, or where the mare actually was. It seemed to blend into the background, almost perfect camouflage.
Then it moved, and I could clearly see it’s edges when it did.
“What is it doing?” I asked Teek.
“I don’t know. It’s not aware of us, let’s go knock on its door.”
This scared me. “Ah, how close do we need to get?”
“Enough that it will come to us. Focus on me, you’ll be right.”
I did what she said, but I couldn’t help looking out at the mare. She looped around it, and I felt the world slow down, we were trapped. Stuck in some fluidic mass inside the outer circle, no matter how Teek tried to get away from it, she was unable to.
“Oh hell, Teek, it’s got us.”
“Kial focus on me.” She commanded, “the mare is only aware of us, it’s working on your fear.”
I looked at her smiling back at me and relaxed, she was right the mare was taking my fear and giving it back to me. She started laughing. What?
“Yeah that’s it, go all the way.” Teek was being intimate with me, and it didn’t seem right.
“Kial!!” I snapped out of the image, “You are going to have to work now, find the balance between your fears out there and your desire for me. The mare is using both against you.”
Oh. I looked out at the mare, it was a spinning mass of blades. Like a food processor, I saw a tunnel heading towards it, I was falling down the tunnel into the blades.
“Transform its energy Kial, render it.”
I thought for a moment, blades. I tried destroying it, how? I threw rocks at it, but they bounced off the blades. Automatic rifles? Missiles? Sharp sticks? Nukes? Nothing.
“Nice try, but the mare knows of those attacks. Try something unexpected.”
I thought for a moment. Spinning. Feather dusters. Popped into my head. And I saw the mare as a cloud of spinning feathers.
“Hold that thought and pull the mare towards us.”
I went to pull it but I saw razor sharp teeth coming towards me. A sticky fork like tongue wrapped around us and began pulling us in. Closer to the teeth. “Oh hell.”
“Focus.” She said again and I looked into her eyes, the mare wasn’t near us nor was any tongue wrapped around us. “Once you’ve rendered the mare into something harmless, you need to pull it close so we can absorb it. I want you to pull it because I don’t want to fly into it if it isn’t rendered properly. It will only come if you’ve rendered it.”
Remembering all the steps was difficult. The teeth were off in the distance, but Teek stayed within its awareness. I could feel the pull of the mare constantly, it kept trying to make me feel trapped or unsafe or defeated.
Teek took me in closer. I saw the teeth, able to pierce solid steel. I looked again. They looked more like ice cream cones and they were.
“Good.” I heard Teek as the ice cream came flying towards us. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen, but I pulled it closer, trusting Teek’s guidance. Closer they flew, oh hell, they were right upon us.
Oh hell alright. The next thing I knew was a floating, fizzy Teek. Was this right? I was fizzing, pulsing, rolling, peak. It was good, very good, I looked into Teek’s eyes and she was asking me to. Yes. Yes.
“Teek?”
“Oh universe.” she sighed.
“Where are?” was all I could manage, my thoughts became swamped with the fizz. It was a good massage. It was pure bliss. It was being tickled. It was having a warm shower. Like falling into soft pillows. Freedom. Flying.
“Projection room.” she quickly responded.
When we returned, the rush of emotions was overwhelming. Teek’s touch brought a blend of pleasure and relief, but also a reminder of what I couldn’t have.
“Teek, I…” I started, but she silenced me with a gentle touch.
“We did it, Kial. That’s what matters.”
I can’t remember how long the sensation went for. I woke in the chair, Teek still on me, her eyes closed and her body still in a state of bliss. I hugged her tight I could tell she felt desire, her body stiffened and then relaxed.
“Is that good?” I asked her, my voice shaky. I was still feeling intensely high, but acutely aware of the projection room and now everyone else in it. Teek, I wasn’t so sure about.
She opened her eyes slowly, a serene smile on her face. “Yes, it’s called mind streaming.”
I looked around the room, feeling a mix of embarrassment and pride. The other team members were watching us with a mix of curiosity and admiration.
I saw Drit, standing there watching, alongside a number of other second-gen architects, “First render, nice job.” he spoke.
@ 
Looks Like I Won
I knew I had lost the bet when I heard the call from control, Teek was out beyond the outer barrier with Kial. I raced to the projection room.
The projection room buzzed with excitement, teams were gathering, they knew why Teek and Kial out there.
It was daybreak some teams just coming off patrol still in their bio-suits, but most dressed ready for bed.
I had no idea how she had got him out so quickly. I silently wanted them to fail, that Kial would tire and not be able to render, I wondered why they were so awake this early in the day? I didn’t think that Teek would’ve flirted, teased and dragged him down here.
I didn’t like to lose. Maybe I should examine that feeling, oh what did it matter? It was Kial’s first render, and I knew exactly how that felt. I couldn’t wait to pull Mirl out and get him sucking on that mare energy, letting it flow through our link and into me. Oh yeah. I knew what Teek would be feeling too. How long was it since our last render? I’d get her.
She stepped up from the chair in the dimly lit projection room, as I congratulated her, hugging her.
“Looks like you won that bet.” I kissed her. The new recruits cheered because of the two of us playing, this would’ve set Teek off. I knew what she was experiencing, it had been quite a few months since we’ve both been rendering, and her body would be streaming from the rendered mare.
I always wanted to prove this point to her, but by the time we both knew how rendering affected us, I knew that Blen wouldn’t have let me do this. Kial on the other hand, wouldn’t know what was going on.
Drit stepped in, “Cril behave yourself.” buzzkill, I shot him a dirty look.
Pleasure, is what her body wanted and, I gave it to her, despite her fear of this sort of display. And boy, did she want that physical contact with me standing next to her.
I knew she would be oblivious to the cheering of the architects and I took advantage of it, by playing along and not alerting her to the fact that she was more instinct than thought. That instinct was to seek my physical contact.
I didn’t notice Kial get up from the chair but he must’ve touched Teek’s CLI alerting her to what she was doing with me. Touching a Cortex Link is a nasty trick to bring someone out of a mental spin, you get the two inner pads to touch. It feels like you’ve just fallen a metre and hit the ground. Has a similar effect too, makes you think where am I? What am I doing? Ooo, I wonder what she would be doing now. By the look on her face I was public enemy number one.
“Shit, Cril!” She yelled at me. If looks could kill.
“Looks like I won that bet though.” I smiled back. It wasn’t a bet, but I’ve been wanting to do that for so long.
The navigators knew what was happening some smiled, some laughed. But the first-gens, none of them had rendered, and had no idea, thinking that we might’ve had something going. I didn’t mind, I knew it was power over them.
“Alright, alright,” Drit was calling out to the first-gens, “settle down, once you’re rendering you’ll know what’s going on here.”
I saw Kial and Teek exchange confused looks when Teek grabbed his arm. “Let’s go.” she spoke dragging him out of the projection room, passed the other screaming architects.
@ 
This is our reward
Cril’s stunt shocked me, I should’ve known she would do something like that. We quickly retreated to the garden, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be out in the open, but I knew how much I was at the mercy of my feelings right now and being alone with Kial would be asking for trouble.
He spoke “Oh hell, Teek this is amazing, you feel wonderful.”
I closed my eyes allowing for a moment the sensations consume me, I smiled, “Good huh?”
His first time, he’d be overwhelmed, and I knew exactly what he would be wanting.
I started “No sex remember.”
“Oh, but why is the first time I don’t feel like I need to hide my feelings from you?”
“Rendering will do that to you. It’s a good time to get these things out in the open.”
“Why can I not shake the idea of sleeping with you?” He suddenly realised what he said “and why did I just tell you that so easily?”
“It’s your true unfiltered feelings and it’s expected, I’ve been feeling the same way towards you.”
Kial went silent for a moment, stunned “You have?”
“Mmm, huh.” I nodded.
“Right now I can’t think of anything better than to,” I paused realising even in this state how much my desires scared me, so I took a page from Cril’s book I teased him drawing out the description, “slowly work my hands under your suit, unfastening it, touching you.” I breathed out and swallowed. No probably not a good idea to try it Cril’s way right now.
“Oh hell Teek, don’t say that, it’s too much for me.”
“Thank you for telling me.” I paused, “it’s okay for you to feel that way. I am struggling to keep my hands to myself.”
“Oh Teek, don’t”
Time to fall back on my own learning, my own way, “Why do you feel it is so difficult knowing how I feel?”
“Well, it’s like we both want to, so why can’t we? It doesn’t make sense.”
“So you are having difficulty accepting no when we are both saying yes?”
He thought for a moment, “I…” He stopped.
Hang on, I thought. I’d forgotten what I had learnt, it’s all about feeling.
“What are you feeling?” I asked.
“Pain.” He responded.
Okay that was curious, “Where?” I asked.
He put his hand on his chest, right over his heart. Oh I think I understand, “You’re confusing deep unconditional love with sex.”
A slight relief came over him.
I took his hand and put it on my chest, “Feel that? That’s my heart beating. That’s me, my life you are feeling.”
“It’s kind of fast.”
“Yes, I’m excited, the render, you being here are all heightening my mood.”
“Oh, but, I can’t stop thinking about you, something doesn’t feel right, I need to sleep with you.”
Need, there was an alarm word. “What would happen if you slept with me?”
He sighed in relief, even the thought of it seemed to relax him, “Oh,” he quickly said, “I’ve been working up the courage to tell you what I’ve been wanting, that I thought all I needed to do was be brave enough to ask and you’d say yes, but…”
His breathing changed, panic, “but it didn’t happen.”
He continued “I’ve been feeling bad about wanting to see you, I mean, really look. That day you showed yourself to me, I felt like I had been heard. But now it feels like it’s happening all over again, but this time it’s sex, and it’s not happening, I feel…”
I closed my eyes, feeling his words, nodding, “Why do you think you are so desperate to sleep with me?”
“I’m attracted to you,” He smiled, “that was easier than I expected, and I’ve been studying you from afar, I’m ashamed to say I saw your bio-suit under your jacket, I saw the way it hugged your figure, I felt wrong to be looking, but wanted to so much, you would show me more, and I wanted more. I’m both scared and attracted, and, oh, I think I can overcome that fear if I could just sleep with you.”
He sighed out.
“You are allowed to look at me Kial, you are allowed to have those thoughts, there is nothing to be ashamed of. I want you to look at me, I want you to have those thoughts.”
Puzzled, “You do?”
“I have those thoughts, they are a necessary part of every Knight team. You look at any of the teams, each of them are having thoughts about the other in the same way.”
“They are?” A worried look came over his face.
“Yes, each one of them couldn’t think of anything better than getting naked with each other, especially after rendering. But none of them do, we give up our physical desire to be effective mentally and emotionally in the dream-scape and this is our reward.”
“Huh? What is our reward?”
“What you’ve just told me, how long do you think it would’ve taken to work up the courage to tell me all that.”
“Oh,” a sudden realisation, he let out a small laugh, and finally smiled, “okay I think I get it now. I don’t feel worried anymore, so I can tell you anything?”
“Yes and I expect you to.”
“Okay, I have to ask, and I’m a little afraid, if there were no rules,” he stopped taking a deep breath, “would you sleep with me?”
I felt the insecurity immediately, closing my eyes, empathising, “Absolutely.”
His entire body relaxed, tears formed, “I think that is the nicest thing anyone has said to me.”
I think I was a bit flattened, “Nice? Seriously Kial is that all you have after my absolute truth?”
Shocked, he “Oh, um,” I could see him desperate to find his truth, “No one has ever shared something like that with me. I never feel like the object of someone’s desires. I’m sorry I didn’t respect what you shared.”
Maybe I was a little harsh, “It’s okay Kial, I just want you to remember to look deeper at yourself, at your feelings, what do you think you could’ve said?”
“Um, that’s the most moving thing anyone has shared with me, I feel totally accepted.”
I smiled, “That’s more like it. You’ll get there, and then you’ll be able to say those things without thinking and without streaming.”
I’m not sure if he was worried or surprised, “Oh.”

Chapter 17
What the fuss was about
Render. Yummy, I staggered along the service way, Mirl in tow, our first render, and my mind was going places I know it should not go. I kept fighting the urge to feel his hands on my skin. Damn it, Cril stop thinking about him touching me. I took a short pause, holding myself against the wall, trying to shake the image from my head.
Mirl’s voice shaky “Cril, what is happening to me?”
I tried to calm my voice, “Your first render, just enjoy it.”
We continued, my room, Mirl would not let me go, I didn’t blame him, I was his link to this feeling, I guided him there, talked him through it, faced the mare, next thing I know I’m feeling light as a feather, back in the projection room, seeing him, my first instinct was to kiss him, to suck on his lips. But I knew I had to keep myself composed, not lead him astray. Oh, but how I wanted to be lead astray.
It happens every few years, a team hasn’t seen what happens when a Navigator and her Architect have sex, or more specifically orgasm. They can’t join properly in the dream-scape, it might be something safe like not being able to get him out into the dream-scape, but sometimes he’s lost out there without his navigator to guide him, he can’t get back to the projection room, or more likely gets lost in his own imagination, so needs a tech to run a retrieval, I’ve experienced that a couple of times, and yeah the first time is the worst and not something I’d actively want to do again or be the cause for someone else, especially not Mirl. So no orgasm and just to make sure we have no accidents, no sex. It might be easy to say, whoops we had orgasm during sex, a bit harder to say, we accidentally had sex. So sex is off limits.
I stood in my room for a few seconds, eyes closed, recalling the sensations flowing through my body, oh yes, I remember this, so good to be rendering again. So many months had passed.
Mirl had other ideas, he was going for my body, for the fasteners on my suit.
“Hands off Mirl.”
“Oh why?” A genuine look of distress on his face.
I couldn’t stand any longer, I lay down in my bed, Mirl immediately began undoing his bio-suit, I watched him peel it off. I held my breath looking at him, I had to stop my thoughts thinking about him. Every part was telling me to have him. I breathed in deep. Next thing I know a naked Mirl is lying next to me.
“You’re still dressed, why?”
I knew why, because I wouldn’t be able to control myself. I felt vulnerable in this truth, okay Cril remember my training, I breathed out “because I won’t be able to control myself otherwise.”
“Well what are you waiting for then?”
“I said no, I said it before and I’m saying it again.”
I’m trying to remember my first time with Thau, my first architect, what did I do again? I remember that feeling, being so out of control, I so desperately wanted to get my hands over his naked body.
Oh, I realised my hands were over Mirl’s naked body. I held him.
I spoke, “When I was younger, I had a lot of sexual partners, but none of them made me feel anything.” I swallowed, and let the fire flies dance over my skin.
Mirl interrupted, “I’d be able to make you feel…” I put my hand to his mouth.
“Let me finish my story.” He nodded.
“But then there was this one guy, loud, a bit of a show-off, claiming he could make any woman come, he said he bet he could make me come.”
I feel a flutter in my chest, it was tinged with panic. “I thought either I’d prove him wrong, or I’d find out what this thing everyone was so obsessed about.”
I swallowed and breathed deep and out, feeling a mix of euphoria from the render but fear, recounting my events. “So we had sex, and yes I climaxed for the first time in my life, and my only thought was now I know what the fuss was about.”
I swallowed and coughed, “But then I felt afraid, that this was something out of my control, that it was only this one guy who could do it. And I didn’t want to be with him, but no one else had made me feel this way.”
Mirl interrupted again “I’ll make you feel…”
“Hey, I’m not finished.” I continued “But I now knew what I was capable of feeling. So another partner and he was just not doing it for me. I was frustrated and began moving myself, trying to get him into a good position, but nothing I did seemed to help, he sensed my frustration and let me take over, I climbed on top and I took back my power, I found out how to make myself orgasm and I took back control of my pleasure.”
Mirl looked puzzled at me, “What has this got to do with what I’m feeling now?”
“You are feeling out of control. That you are at the mercy of this feeling, you are not. I challenge you to face the pain of not being able to give into this feeling and take control of it.”
He spoke weakly “Okay.” And then let out a few cries, quickly silencing himself with a “Fuck.” And wiping his eyes.
I knew that feeling, he didn’t want to show his weakness, his emotional breakdown at the thought of not being able to have me. “Hey, it’s okay, you don’t have to hide your tears from me. I know exactly what you’re going through.”
“Do you?” His face a mixture of angry tears.
“Yes, there is nothing more than I want to do right now is to strip off and feel you hard inside me.”
“Then why…” He stopped realising what he was about to say and knew the answer, “Okay, but you said that this would get easier when we started rendering.”
“First one hits the hardest, but you really will wish you could have this first time again. Next time we can start to talk about things that come up in the dream-scape, things that might be too hard to share otherwise, this space is a gift, for us to be open completely with each other.”
I paused taking a long breath, all this thinking was taking me out of my body, and I really just wanted to close my eyes, and let my body carry me away, but I had a duty to my new architect, to teach him, to guide him. Oh wow, I just had a thought, just like Thau did for me when I was a first-gen. I suddenly felt my new role, I knew I was a second-gen, but I never really considered exactly what it would be like to guide someone else. So I used my training to guide him.
“Talk to me, tell me what hurts so much about not being able to have sex with me.”
“What?” Again his face contorted, trying to fight off the pain, and here I am making him want to sit in it.
“This is a safe space, I need you to trust me, I want you to share this pain with me.”
He stopped trying to breathe, I could see him going through the thoughts. “Yes, I’m feeling out of control and I think I can take that back by fucking you.”
I gasped. Ooh, I felt that “Stop it you’re turning me on.” I really must not entertain the idea of him fucking, oh damn.
He grunted, his breathing was tormented.
“Come on Mirl, tell me about your pain, why do you feel the need to f…” I couldn’t say it the thought was too enticing even for me. “Have sex with me.” Yeah, sex was much more mundane, I could cope with that.
Angrily he spoke, “I can regain my control over you, if I can f…have sex with you.”
No, I felt it, control over me, something was off, sex was a distraction. “I’m not the one you’re trying to control.”
“What?” I could sense his frustration, “No. I…”
“What hurts?” I poked his chest.
“I,” he paused, suddenly breathing in a look of realisation, then his whole mood dropped, the tension released from his face, a look of despair, of defeat. “I’m too weak.”
I didn’t quite follow, “Too weak to tell me or why are you feeling too weak?”
His breathing started becoming rapid again, he swallowed slowly, took in several breaths before starting “I’m” he stopped, shaking a little “desperate” this time taking several rapid breaths, “for your” his desperation seemed to rise, I knew he was standing at that precipice, I’d been there many times and I knew how difficult it was to say that last word, I waited in silence. “Approval.”
He started crying. I immediately hugged him “Thank you for telling me.”
And suddenly a shift, “Oh my god Cril, I suddenly feel amazing.” He took a deep breath, eyes wide in amazement. “Oh that’s what this is all about.” He started laughing. “I’m actually enjoying this.”
I stuck my tongue between my teeth, “See, told you once you start rendering sex won’t be so important.”
“I see what you mean, I feel like I can tell you anything.”
“Good, remember that, remember this feeling this space, we’re going to get to know each other much deeper than just sex.”
His face lit up suddenly realising that this was only the start of our journey together.

Chapter 18
A Navigator’s opinion
I sat in the stores with breakfast, start of the night shift about to go on patrol with Kial when another second-gen architect joined me, “Teek.”
“Hi Tres.” I replied, we were both first-gens together.
“I need your help, I have not been able to get my navigator, Noni, past the outer barrier, she isn’t opening up to me.”
I wasn’t sure what I could do, “Have you spoken to any of the senior second-gens?”
“I have, but I wanted to get a navigator’s opinion.”
“Well what about the second year first-gen navigators? It would be still recent for them.” I was trying to find out why ask me.
“I might try that but I want to get your opinion.”
He continued “There is this one issue that keeps coming up for her, I can see it, but she has not even tried to talk about it, continually shuts down every time.”
He paused taking a breath, “I’ve tried giving her space, reassuring her, telling her it is safe to talk. I’m worried Teek, if I don’t get her across soon they’ll let her go.”
“I’ve spoken to the senior second-gens and they basically say, give her more time, or push her to confront it.”
“Well that might work,” I spoke, “but you know your navigator best, do you think she’d respond to being pushed?”
“I don’t think so, I don’t think pushing her will work, but only make her more distant but I can’t just keep waiting. Something is holding her back and I’m wondering if you could help. If you could talk to her. Try to let her know that it is safe to open up to me.”
I thought for a moment. “Okay then where is she?”
“Her room, we just tried the barrier again, I’m getting desperate.”
@ 
The one who can help you
I chimed on Noni’s door.
“Go away.”
I called through “Hi Noni, it’s Teek can I come in?”
“Ah.”
I opened the door, she was sitting on the floor against her bed, knees up, elbows resting on them, face in her hands.
“Hi, I feel you need to talk.” I smiled.
“I’m in trouble aren’t I?”
“Why would you be in trouble?”
“Why else would a senior navigator be in here? It’s because I can’t get across the barrier isn’t it?”
I chuckled, I wasn’t a senior yet. “Mind if I sit?”
“Mmm.” She responded.
I watched her for a little bit trying to sense what she was feeling, she was retreating, curled up small, maybe to hide or protecting herself. “How are you feeling?”
“I can’t do it. It’s too…” she froze. I saw her reaction, her breathing shallow.
“What are you feeling when you think about the barrier?” I asked.
“Nothing. I don’t know.”
“Yes you do, you were just feeling it when you said you couldn’t do it. It’s too…What is it too?”
Her face turned in to an expression of worry, contorted, tension, small sounds escaped.
I responded. “Right, hold onto that feeling and tell me, why you can’t tell Tres about it?”
Her face, suddenly shifted, panic, desperation, letting out short sharp breaths.
“He wouldn’t understand, he’d just make fun of me.” tears started filling her eyes.
“Trust him. Can you do that for me?”
Her face was still filled with worry and panic, “I don’t think I can, Teek.”
Hmm, layers. The core wound and then another not being able to share it.
“Why can’t you share with him?” This one I might have to help her with. I put my hand on her knee.
“He,” she started but then stopped. “No it’s just too stupid.”
“You can tell me. Tell me why you can’t tell him?”
Her face a continual look of worry, “He, my brother, um,” she breathed a few times “some kids at school were troubling me, I went to him, my older brother, for help, but he joined in with them.”
“That sounds awful, someone you thought had your back, didn’t.” I reassured her.
She let out a few sobs, before her breathing returned to almost normal, her face still slightly worried.
“Can you trust me to say that Tres isn’t like that, none of us here are like that.”
The worried look intensified.
“You can tell Tres what you are feeling when you face the barrier. Do you feel safer to tell him?”
“A little.”
“Good.” I started to get up.
“I’d rather tell you instead.” She had reached out for me.
“You need to tell Tres. He’s the one who can help you across the barrier I can’t.”
“But…”
I cut her off “You need to trust Tres, he is not your older brother. Tell him what happened.”
My comm notified, Kial “Where are you? Aren’t we supposed to be starting patrol?”
“I have to go. Please tell Tres.”

Chapter 19
Perfectly mimicking
Another day, another boring training flight. Teek had beaten me to the first render, but I had Mirl rendering like a second-gen now. We were on regular patrol, flying through the void, babysitting first-gens struggling with their fears. The boundary of the inner ring marked by faintly glowing barriers. I really wanted to get out and render some mares, but we had our orders.
The dream-scape’s colours and shapes constantly shifting and morphing. I’d seen it all before.
Mirl and I had to make sure there were no problems, no attacks from mares. Very dull stuff, just hovering around and keeping an eye on the first-gens. We flew from segment to segment of the barrier watching the new first-gens deal with issues approaching the barriers. I had to stay focused to distinguish real mare threats from all the projected fears swirling around.
I was about to fly off to the next segment when something strange caught my eye.
At first, I thought a mare had somehow entered the mid-circle, I called control, “Team MC we have awareness of a mare in the mid-circle. All training teams return to the projection room at once.”
I flew to approach it. “This is control, negative acknowledge on the mare MC. You have awareness of two civilian dreamers in the mid-circle.”
What? Civilians cannot get into the mid-circle, but control was right as we swooped closer I saw it was human thoughts and fears being projected.
I tried to talk to them but they were not lucid. “Wake up.” I screamed at them, they were totally oblivious. Running about in their own little created world of thoughts.
Then fear hit me, as I recognised the sound of a mare hitting the outer barrier. The fear spread into the two dreamers.
I looked at Mirl “Shit, we have to get these two into the inner circle or wake them somehow.”
“Team MC, this is control, please proceed, to the outer barrier and neutralise the mare.”
Ooo yeah, “show time.” I smiled at Mirl.
“Take me babe.” he replied, eyes lighting up.
We approached the barrier, “Take me,” I heard Mirl say again, repeating it over and over.
“Cril,” I heard him shout, “are you okay? You’re projecting thoughts.”
No. No, no, Cril. This was not the time to have an issue pop up and rattle me. The sound of the barrier weakening under the constant battering of the mare made my heart pound, but I couldn’t get myself across. The image of Teek formed in my head and she stood in front of me repeating the words, take me. I flew away from the barrier.
“Control, we are waiting for barrier segment to fail before neutralising the mare.” I didn’t want them to know that I wasn’t able to cross the barrier. How did this issue just decide to pop up like that?
“Cril, what is coming up?” Mirl asked me. He’d learnt the ropes by now and was trying to get my fear out of me.
“This is not the time,” I replied trying to push it away, but ultimately, I knew that the barrier would push it back. This can’t be happening. The barrier sounded again, I knew it wouldn’t be long before it failed, if the barrier was bringing up an issue, I’d probably have little chance against a mare.
“Hey guys what’s wrong?” It was Ambe and her architect Jipp.
“Can you render the mare?” I asked.
Ambe was shocked, “Cril doesn’t want to render?” she knew something was wrong she reached out and gently touched my shoulder, “be aware.” she smiled and flew off. I watched spikes appears out of their bodies as they passed through the outer barrier.
I went for the dreamers. One was a little more lucid and was slightly aware of Mirl and my presence.
“I’m looking for a towel,” he spoke to us. “Do you know where to go?”
I pointed towards the inner barrier, “that way. We’ll follow you.”
He started walking but didn’t remain focussed, he stopped and began picking flowers at his feet. I heard the barrier fail, oh damn. If the mares get to the dreamers, it’d be all over.
One of the dreamers heard the sound and turned to see the mare, I have no idea what he saw but he tried to start running away from the mare. It didn’t matter how fast he ran he was not moving. The other dreamer didn’t seem to be aware of it.
“Why can’t you just pick him up like you do me?”
“No it wouldn’t work,” I replied “they have to be aware of being picked up. Physics don’t work here, I can’t touch someone else. I have to influence their thoughts.”
Mirl thought for a bit “Is that why we have the Cortex Link, so we can touch each other?”
I smiled, “Mostly.”
“Team JA, returning.” I could hear Ambe panting over the comm, she sounded like she was streaming.
I heard a scream from one of the dreamers, the running one, he had tripped and was uncontrollably falling towards the ground. As he hit he vanished. Ah good, the shock had woken him.
There was still a mare approaching, I could see it as Teek. She was acting very seductively. I just wanted her. I didn’t really care anymore, I let it all go.
“Why is it Teek?” Mirl asked. He really wasn’t supposed to say that it was her, he was still learning.
“I’m a little confused as to why I have feelings for her.” I said plainly.
“Oh.” Mirl quietened up as I caught myself drifting towards the mare, mesmerised by her flowing body, dancing, her hair moving as she did.
“Ah, Cril, I don’t really know what to do with her.” Mirl panicked.
That’s right, it was a mare, I had kind of forgotten, “She has a thing about being naked.” I replied.
“Will that work? That’s a mare, not Teek.”
“Definitely, mares try to confuse us by perfectly mimicking.”
I lost it for her, watched dazed as she danced her way towards us, I wanted her so badly, I wanted to tell her but I knew she wouldn’t take it well. She was on top of me, mare energy flowing down through Mirl, converted from its hostile force into creative desire that Mirl felt for me, oh and that desire was all so yummy, I could spoon it up, pile it on thick like custard, floating in thick gooey custard, sweet, sweet energy. Mirl would know what I was feeling, my mind was overwhelmed from it all, there was no way he couldn’t notice.
I instinctively signalled control “Team MC, returning.” and drifted back to the projection room. Letting my body collapse into Mirl, I’m not sure if he carried me or dragged me along somehow.
@ 
I’m saying yes
Mirl was pulling me along the service ways towards the garden, no I had to be alone with him. “Your room,” I said panting, my body shaking, the thoughts of Teek flooding my mind. Why now? Why her? We changed direction.
I knew what I needed, Mirl’s body. The pain inside my heart was unbearable, it wanted to come out, but I couldn’t let it, but trying to force it down hurt. I should know better. Ha, the should word.
“You seem different.” Mirl stated, my body trembling, “are you okay? That render felt strange.”
Oh yeah, the feedback, my response to the streaming fed back into him. He’d be feeling my longing for her, my fear. Fuck off fear. But it wouldn’t leave me alone.
Finally alone in Mirl’s room, I knew what would help, having Mirl fill my need for Teek, yeah, he’d do it. He’d fill the gap I’d be feeling for Teek.
I undid the fasteners of my bio-suit leaving my top half exposed, “Come here, this is for you.” I pulled my shoulders back poking my chest forwards, yes my pull was too much for him, I kept maintaining that physical boundary and I knew how much he wanted to cross it, this would be easy, I could just lead him along, one crossed boundary at a time, soon we’d be fucking, the thought sent shivers through me, I was shaking uncontrollably. I felt his hands on my waste, I breathed heavily making my chest rise and fall inviting him to touch me, and his hands caressed me, my breasts.
“Oh god.” whoops didn’t mean to say that, but I needed his touch so much, anything to take away the agony of thinking about Teek.
He moved in close and I whispered “Get undressed.” my breathing was heavy, I was getting excited, he could see it in my expression but a puzzled look came over his face.
“Something’s wrong with you Cril, what’s happening?”
What is happening? What the fuck do you think is happening? “What do you think is happening? We are getting undressed and then you are going to fuck me like never before until I come screaming. What the fuck else do you think is happening?” I said angrily.
He shook his head and stepped back from me, wait, no. “Sorry Mirl, I didn’t mean that, come here, I need you.”
He closed his eyes, moving his head about erratically, “Wait, what are you asking?”
Okay I have to make it obvious, taking off the last of my bio-suit, “You want this.”
“Want wha…” he opened his eyes, and swallowed, looking me up and down, “this is a test isn’t it?”
“No, no games this time, I know you want this, and now I’m saying yes.” His bewilderment deepened, “Come on Mirl, get naked, let’s fuck.”
He didn’t move, his expression didn’t change, what was I doing wrong? They boys want to fuck, all I had to do is say yes you can. Why wasn’t this working?
“Something is wrong with you Cril, I think Teek has something to do with it.”
I froze, “Don’t,” I couldn’t speak, what is happening? I tried to fight off the thought of her “mention,” I began to feel angry, “Teek.”
“Or what?”
Or fucking what? How dare he. “I’ll fucking show you or what?” I went for him, but I wasn’t feeling right, he grabbed me and deflected me into a wall. The pain felt right, yeah something hard against me for once, but I would’ve preferred Mirl. I turned.
This time he changed his stance, he was actively defensive. Oh is this where this is going to go? “Oh, you want to fight me now?”
“No, Cril, you are out of control.” He said firmly, “and you are going to hurt yourself or me.”
Control yes, that’s what I needed, I breathed, I tried to calm down, breath deeply. Yes, I can control this, I forced my anger down, but in its place sadness sprung up, I tried to swallow it down, but not before a few sobs escaped, but soon my breathing became rapid, each one threatening to let out a cry, each time stronger until I couldn’t control it. Crying. My back slid down the wall. I was crying uncontrollably.
Mirl crouched next to me, “What are you feeling? Name it.” His words weren’t kind, he wouldn’t sugar coat it, yeah I trained him well, part of me proud he wouldn’t cave in and try and comfort me, feeling like I was with Thau, but the other part screaming for that comfort.
“I’m afraid of my feelings for Teek.” I spoke, my breathing laboured.
“And what are your feelings for Teek?”
Oh god, I felt that shift, that fear, just take it one step at a time, I named it “The fear is too much for me.”
“Bullshit.”
I almost laughed, maybe laughing and crying at the same time, “Okay. I have a deep physical desire for her.”
“So you’d sleep with her?” He asked, my feelings started returning to washing machine. Normal setting.
“I’d sleep with you first.” Yeah I was feeling better now and I felt his hand touch my thigh, slowly moving upwards, oh yeah I’ll have that, my breathing became rapid again as his hand moved closer. Oh how I longed for that touch, just to feel his fingers between…
“No.” he stopped. I burst out crying, well with some laughter in between.
“You arsehole.” I lashed out.
“You’re completely vulnerable here Cril, how does it feel to be completely powerless to me?”
I thought for a moment, I kind of loved it, “Thrilling.” I responded. I slowly lifted my hips off the ground, “I’m right here Mirl, I’m naked and I’m not saying no, what are you going to do?”
I had done it. His reactions. I shocked him, his breathing stopped and then suddenly went rapid, “You bitch” he said jokingly. “But I have to ask, when you were offering sex, would you have?”
I closed my eyes feeling my weakness, “Yes, and thank you for noticing my state and holding our boundaries.”
“I so wanted to,” He continued, “but you refuse to sleep with me first, so I take it that’s a no to her, then.” His questioning shaking me out of my needs.
“Well, you and I will, near the end of our forth year.”
“What? really?”
“Yeah, Thau and I did, it’s expected. I have a daughter because of it.”
His face shocked.
“Yeah, the first time I heard about it, I was not ready, I was thinking, fuck that, but Thau earned my trust, he earned my respect and I didn’t fall for him, he earned my love, and I feel safe to admit I’m in love with him. It felt like a choice for me.”
I paused taking a breath, “So now I’m here to train you to be a person who is worthy of that trust and respect too, you’re going to choose a navigator young and reckless, like I was, she is going to bite and scream at you, and you’re going to accept it with an open heart.”
The smile on his face grew wide, mouth opening “Oh my god Cril, that sounds amazing, I can’t wait.”
I breathed in allowing myself to feel love.
“So the other second-gen navigators have children?” He continued to ask.
“All daughters.”
“What? How?” a look of disbelief came over him,
“I don’t know, the dream-scape fucks up your swimmers or something.”
“I know I’m excited about training a new navigator, but I feel sad, I won’t be with you.” He said.
Yeah, Thau explained how he felt, “You and I will always be close friends, nothing can break a bond between a navigator and architect. Plus it means that Thau and I can kick you and your nav’s arse at Speedball.”
“Speaking of Speedball,” he started, “I’m going to whip your arse right now.”
I turned over poking my arse at him, feeling my power returning “You promise?” He slapped me and the sting on my cheek made me feel in my body again. Yeah this is where I want to be, not in all that fluff about Teek.
“Harder.” I asked.
I got up thinking I need to walk back to my room dressed like this, yeah that’d make me feel powerful again.

Chapter 20
Thanking those who do
I sat in the food stores with Kial, eating lunch at midnight between our patrol shifts. He was greedily eating a plate of chips, drowned in salt and vinegar. Being in the dream-scape and not rendering makes you very hungry. I was eating a bowl of special fried rice but taking my time and not trying to make myself feel sick, when Noni sat with us, beaming.
Oh, I recognise that look, she was streaming, so where was Tres, her architect? Surely he wouldn’t leave her alone in this state. She spoke.
“Thank you Teek, what you said to me that day, helped me overcome my fear of talking to Tres. He helped me overcome my fear of facing the barriers, this is my first render and I needed to thank you for doing that.”
Kial shot me a cheeky grin.
I was puzzled “Where is Tres?”
She sucked in her bottom lip and she looked towards the ceiling. “We decided I needed to do this by myself. I had a fear of asking for help and then thanking those who do. So this is me facing my fear.”
“Thank you for telling me.” I replied, when I immediately felt her arms around me and her cheek against my neck.
She whispered “Your skin feels amazing.”
I gave a small laugh “And you’re streaming, you should be with Tres.”
“It’s wonderful isn’t it?” Her face full of amazement, I just wanted her to be somewhere a little safer than the food stores, not sure how long before her post streaming crash. “What is it? I don’t feel scared to admit how I’m feeling. Oh, you’re so yummy Teek.”
I swallowed, I felt something tense inside me, what was she triggering? I felt myself deflect. “Go be with your architect.” I started feeling forceful, she kissed me on the cheek before bounding off. I breathed out.
“Thank you for telling me?” Kial questioned, “you’ve said that to me a few times, is that another you thing, like universe? Or something else?”
“Oh that, yes. Ah…” I paused trying to sum it all up, “if someone shares something that might’ve been difficult to say or maybe difficult for me to hear we thank them or say I know how hard that must’ve been.”
I cleared my throat, the rice wasn’t being too friendly, “Or if someone shares something shameful about themselves, that they feel like they have to hide, I’d respond, you’re a beautiful person.”
A look of understanding came over his face, “Ha.” he said sounding like he was putting the pieces together.
But I was struggling to think of all the things we say to help someone feel safe to, oh wait, “Or if I’m asking you for something that might be difficult to share, I’d say, you’re safe with me. And I wouldn’t break that trust either, say if you shared something you thought was wrong to do.”
Kial looked off to the side processing it.
“Um, or things we call alarm words, like using the word should or makes me feel, or always, or everyone, you know, words that are absolutes.”
“Yeah I remember them from training.”
Oh, trying to condense my four years into a lunchtime. “Yeah, we tend to say phrases that use those words when we might be feeling something out of control.” Trying to think up an example, “Ah like, if I’m upset and I said, he shouldn’t treat me that way, I’m putting my own judgement onto his actions. I’m not saying I can’t have boundaries, but if I was feeling in control, I would more likely say When he did that, I chose to feel this.”
“Chose?” He spoke, before taking a sharp breath in “Oh, like in training, I’m not responsible for someone else’s actions but only my feelings.” He nodded slightly before looking puzzled again, “but why is that important? Why is it important to have that control, I mean if someone was nasty too me surely it’s okay for me to be angry?”
“It depends on if you chose to be angry or you reacted without feeling like you had a choice.”
He frowned, “Yeah I got all that during training but why is it important?”
I went to speak before I realised I was missing his point, “because a mare can use that against you.”
He blinked slowly, I think the realisation shocked him, “You mean I have to be this emotionally resilient warrior all the time?”
“No, I’ll be here to catch you when you fall. But look at me, I managed to do it.”
“Yeah but you’re…” He stopped again.
“I’m what?” I’m not sure I liked what he was implying.
“You’re Teek, one of the best navigators on the base.”
Oh, right, “You think I was always like this? I was a first-gen too, scared, insecure, worried what others think of me, worried I didn’t have what it took to be a navigator.”
He sighed and looked a little defeated “It seems like I have such a long way to go.”
“Yeah, I know, it’s not easy, but don’t worry I’ll be with you,” I lowered my voice “and it doesn’t matter if you fuck up, everyone does, and everyone else knows it will happen. I expect you to fuck up.”
I think I hit the spot as his breathing became sharp, “But I don’t want to.”
“I don’t care what you want, you’re going to fuck up and I’m going to catch you and carry you back to the projection room and then you’re going to cry in my arms.”
He swallowed, I think tears already forming. “I don’t know if I liked hearing that.”
I smiled, warm and comforting before reaching out and patting him on the side of his shoulder, “Don’t worry, I fucked up.”
“I don’t know if that makes me feel better.”
I laughed inside, poking him in the shoulder “Makes you?”
He finally let out a laugh, “Okay, okay Teek, point made.”
“Good,” I spoke standing, “because I really could do with a render.”

Chapter 21
Before you do
“This is barrier ops. The mares are attacking the barrier.”
The call went out for all teams to assemble in the projection room and engage the mares.
Kial asked “What does attacking mean?”
I explained that it had been known on occasions that a group of mares would continually ram the barrier. The amount of power the barriers needed would be drained by the mares as they rammed it. If the mares kept it up long enough the barrier emitters would overheat and eventually shutdown. We obviously wanted to be there when it failed.
As I entered the projection room, I saw that this was no ordinary attack. It wasn’t just one group of mares but several.
“Ooh, sounds like fun,” Cril called out to me, “how many do you reckon you could take out?”
I shot back. “Do you think you could out do a senior navigator?”
Effectively a team can only take out one mare before they need to recover. As rendering tends to overpower us navigators, an architect with an incoherent navigator might as well be dead.
“Oh come on Teek, we’ve taken out three in the past.” Cril was looking forward to rendering a few, “I bet I get to four before you do!”
Well here was her chance. I saw that Mirl was already out when she settled in on him. I looked over at Kial and saw that he wasn’t allowing them the satisfaction of beating us, as he was already relaxing into the chair he called “What are you waiting for.” I climbed on.
We were out in the blink of an eye. I could feel his excitement as I dived for the inner barrier.
This was the first time Kial had been involved in a large encounter. Control commanded us “No teams are to breach the outer barrier. Await barrier failure and render incoming mares.”
“Acknowledge.” I replied to control.
I’d never really noticed before that the segments in the barrier dimmed as the mares collided with it, the segments would then all dim in sequence spreading out from the affected segment. Looks like somehow the mares were co-ordinating their attacks. Many of the barrier segments were becoming affected.
Kial was uneasy. I could sense his anxiety.
“Hey you,” I called to him, his focus returned to me, “Remember, focus on me, we’ll be OK.”
“I have to ask something else of you. When you render the mares, try to redirect its energy.”
“What? How?” Kial questioned.
“Just as you feel it begin, let it go. I know will be hard, since you’ll be craving what is coming, but if you do that I’ll be able to last longer.”
I knew it wasn’t possible to stop all the energy, we needed to know it was rendered, Kial would probably miss a few being caught up in the moment. I hope he realises soon enough and doesn’t wipe me out completely. I’ll know when I’ve had enough and would make it back to the projection room in time.
He looked into my eyes and I felt the desire he had for me, oh universe, it was good, I gave some of my desire back. I didn’t know if he was aware of it.
There were a few teams around us when the segment we were assigned to failed, I couldn’t count how many mares were behind the segment. There was a T, a few Gs and a handful of Ms. I signalled to the other teams that we were aware of the T and were engaging it.
“Team KT engaging T at segment A0.”
“Acknowledge KT. Team TS engaging G at segment A0.”
“Team DJ engaging G at segment A0.”
Kial and I flew towards the T. I felt its awareness take hold of us almost immediately. I checked Kial was still OK. I was curious how he was going to render this one, but I did not let my mind drift and focussed on what was happening.
“TS Returning.”
Must’ve been one of the new first-gen navigators.
“Team MC engaging T at segment 7A.”
“Circle around it’s base.” Kial asked and I did. As I swooped around Kial dropped cannons aimed at the mare, we quickly retreated and the mare didn’t have a chance to move before they detonated, I thought this wasn’t going to work as classical war imagery doesn’t work against mares. But the cannons didn’t shoot lead balls, instead each one popped out a flag which had the word “BANG!” written on it in big friendly letters, this destabilised the mare and it actually fell. So there is a use for Comic Sans after all.
“Team DJ engaging M at segment A1.”
“Team MC engaging G at segment 7B.”
The T was no longer aware, the paper cannons had confused it enough that it lay in the dream-scape working out what it was doing, this was the perfect time to render it. The mare instinctively tried to defend itself, turning into sharp blades. Kial turned them into rubber clowns toys and pulled the mare into us. I reminded him to let it…Oh universe, I felt the mare energy.
“Team DK engaging G at segment 20.”
“Team PS engaging M at segment D8.”
Let it go Teek, Let it go. The feeling was so good, how could it be wrong to want it. No. Must remain focussed. There are more mares. Oh, but I wanted to go higher. “Kial” I tried to whisper to him. He let it go. Kial was attached to me. Mmm, yeah us getting close, that would be good, I thought about how I could get a quick taste of him out here in the dream-scape.
“Team KT engaging G at 9F.”
My being was still buzzing, but I maintained focus. The G was moving about trying to find something to attach onto. Us. Kial started slipping, so I gave him my buzz.
“Oh hell, Teek, I want you.” he exclaimed back.
“Do the mare instead.” I replied.
“Team MC engaging M at segment 7C”
The G was moving towards us but Kial was a little too buzzing to notice. I called to him for focus. He came back, but took him a few seconds to work out what was happening. I swooped out of the way as the G came tearing past, spores shot out of it, trying to attach to us, I wasn’t sure whose fear it was creating them. All of a sudden the spores turned into puppy dogs and went bounding after the mare. I couldn’t help but smile, the puppies looked very cute as they all continually licked the mare, it sounded like the mare began laughing, the laughing turned into a buzzing, it was Kial’s laughing. I was laughing. Laughing, like breathing, was fabulous. I laughed. The laughter ran over my body and danced, oh universe it was good. All I wanted to do was laugh. Oh yeah, that was the type G rendered. I had lost awareness of the other communications. My mind was swamped with laughter dancing over my skin.
“Team DJ engaging M at segment A5.”
“Team DK engaging G at segment 29.”
“Kial I need to give you some of this energy, or I’m not going to last.” I managed to get out with a few bursts of laughter. He nodded, and I tried not to overstimulate his need for me. He laughed too. I just wanted to laugh with him. He kissed me, it was slow and tender. He converted the laughter into sex. His thoughts of sex didn’t bother me.
“Team KT engaging K at segment 9C.”
“Team PS engaging K at segment D4.”
Ks were easy to deal with, it ran around randomly, with tusks and spiny armour. Kial picked it up on strings, like a puppet, and it ran in midair like a cartoon that had just run off a cliff. It became cartoon like with thick black outlines, solid colouring, it looked like a woolly sheep or cloud. Puff. I giggled drifting into the clouds, floating, free, oh peace. I breathed. Bumping against the clouds, they gathered around me surrounding me in fluffy bliss.
“Teek,” Kial called me back.
“Team MC engaging G at segment 7E.”
Oh universe, I was drifting fast.
“I think you need to go back?” He asked. No, I was just OK.
“One more.” I gasped.
“Team SF returning.”
I quickly found an M. Probably a little strong for my state of mind but many of the smaller mares had dispersed. The M became aware of us, and turned into a man I didn’t recognise, but Kial recognised him.
The man spoke “It’s a pity, you got absorbed by a type M.” What the? I thought. The man walked closer, “Your friend Cril rendered ten, but you guys got infected.” I didn’t understand what this man was doing here, or what he wanted. He reached out for us, his fingers became long spines. Shit. I remembered it was a mare, I jumped up out of its grasp. I must be really losing it.
“Kial render the mare, then we are going back.” I was looking forward to feeling the fully rendered energy. Not that I think I missed much with the others. I was buzzing all over and my mind just wanted to drift into that state of bliss. I think Kial felt it too, but he could focus it better, on sex. Typical Kial, but did I blame him? No! I wouldn’t have chosen him otherwise, I guess I was as much into it as he was. Bliss. Huh? Oh yeah, I had drifted while Kial was rendering the mare. I was drunk on marenergy. Was there such a word? I laughed, who cares?
“Team MC Engaging K at segment 80.”
“We need to go now.” Kial interrupted my thoughts.
Oh yeah right, “Team KT returning.”
I headed back to the projection room. Buzzing with delight.
“DJ engaging M at segment AA.”
Kial asked, “was that true what you were thinking?”
“Thinking?” Oh universe, of course he was watching me drift, what was I thinking again?
“You were thinking about choosing me because we both have the same desires.”
Did I mention that you can’t withhold anything in the dream-scape?
“Yes you did Teek.” OK, my thoughts were no longer my own, I could no longer keep them to myself.
“No, Teek you can’t, but I want to know did you really choose me for that reason?”
Oh yeah, awareness Teek. Among other things, I thought Kial looked pretty hot, we have a similar sense of humour. I think he likes dark hair. He scored high on the mental test, so he should train with one of the higher skilled navigators.
Oh, look the projection room, how did I get here again? Ah. I grounded myself against the chair and watched my rods bend and shatter as I disconnected from Kial.
I sighed. Four mares. Oh, universe. Yummy. I relaxed on Kial for a bit. I closed my eyes and drifted. I wanted to run my hands all over him. I think he was watching me, we were still wired. I got a nice sense of peace. I was still drifting slightly when Cril returned.
I whispered to Kial, “I’m going to get her back, but if you see me losing control, short me.” Kial smiled, and I dragged him along.
Cril stood up, still very dazed. She looked at me, or more like through me.
“I got five mares.” She smiled broadly.
“Oh really?” I replied, “Five, like this?” I put my hand on her chest, and pulled her close to me with the other. She gasped and breathed in.
“Aaaah.” she sighed, Some of the other architects had returned and they were whistling, this time knowing what was going on. I pressed closely to her body while running my hands down her back. She clearly enjoyed the sensation of my hands over her body.
But suddenly I realised what I was doing. I stopped, no I couldn’t do it. I felt a pounding in my head. What was I thinking of doing to her? Instead, I grabbed Kial by the wrist and dragged him towards the exit of the projection room.
We were stopped by a tech.
“No one is to leave. Someone in here is infected.”
@ 
An unpleasant buzz
I lay back in the harness, shaking, barely able to keep my eyes open, trying to watch what the techs were doing, my breathing was deep and relaxed, I just wanted to sleep, I think I was a bit sore, I wanted to move to stretch, I tried to get out of the harness, dizzy I nearly fell, barely grabbing onto it. I clung for a few moments wanting to cry uncontrollably. Didn’t Teek say something about sex? No it must be my own wants influencing the dream-scape.
I managed a “Do they know who?”
Teek didn’t seem to respond, a barely noticeable shake of her head. “Just that,” she paused, I waited, just that what? “one in…projection.” her eyes closed and she involuntarily twitched. Her hand on her cheek, fingers spread moving across her face. “Mmm.” she sounded.
I immediately dropped to my knees, raising my arms up, feeling like a warm light above me was filling me with warmth. No the sun was shining on me. I opened my eyes, no sun, no light, just a tech standing there connector in hand.
“Kial and Teek.” I nodded, barely, “four mares, nice work.”
“Just stay where you are Kial, I can reach you from here.”
He knelt next to me and and an unpleasant buzz ran down my spine, the shock was immediate causing me to gasp and…
I heard him say “Sorrrrr.” but the words slowed and were replaced a loud humm, I wanted to shake my head but the sound was coming from inside my head, it was loud and a roaring took over louder and louder before. I woke kneeling on the floor. What had happened? I looked around for the tech he was already working on Teek.
“Eyam,” she briefly said, before he put the connector on the back of her neck. I saw her face wince and I saw him shake, before quickly composing himself.
I stood. Feeling a little more grounded, sleep was pulling me, I was going to fall I climbed back into the chair.
“Clean,” He took a long breath and looked at me, “She’s really streaming.”
All I could manage was an “Oh?”
“Yeah, like Cril, makes my job harder.”
Again, “Oh?”
He took a frustrated breath, “I can’t get caught up in that, I have a job to do.”
Oh.
Just then a squeal from across the room, I tried to look over. My view briefly blocked by an architect slightly unsteady carrying his navigator.
Teams were leaving, some staying put, I needed to stay put. I closed my eyes, letting the comfort of the chair hold me, I felt safe.
A gentle shake woke me, Mirl “Do you know where our navigators have gone?” and I realised Teek wasn’t with me.
@ 
The girls need space
We were actually feeling a bit more grounded, I could still notice the shivers when I closed my eyes, but when I looked at things around me the feeling seemed to fade.
So they weren’t in the garden, and they weren’t in Cril’s room, so hopefully Teek’s room would be the jackpot.
“Teek are you in here?” I called.
I heard an “Ah.” from inside.
As we walked in, the sight of Cril pinning Teek against the wall immediately struck me. “Whoa, what’s this?” I asked, excitedly.
Mirl followed after, his tone playful “Can I join in?”
But something was wrong. Teek’s eyes widened in panic. She managed to push Cril away and dashed to the bathroom and slammed the door behind her. This didn’t seem normal for her, nothing usually flustered her. This was the first time I’d seen her in such distress.
I heard her slump on the floor. I looked over at Cril, who seemed pleased with herself.
Concerned I called “Teek, can I come in.”
“Fuck off,” she grunted. There was a short pause, then she added more softly, “Sorry, I mean yes.”
I entered and found her on the floor. Sitting down, I put my arms around her. I felt her body shaking, tense and rigid. As I held her, her breathing slowed and she relaxed a bit, putting her arms around me as she sobbed. “Why?”
“What happened?” I asked quietly.
Teek swallowed, tensing slightly, “Cril…” she stopped and I noticed something had her worked up.
I immediately thought back to the projection room, didn’t Cril try to kiss Teek? “I think she’s trying to help.”
“I don’t need to be helped, not like that.” she snapped back at me.
Something dawned on me, fear. I’d seen it rear its head in so many different ways, and now I saw it coming from Teek. “You know what I see? She’s triggered you hasn’t she?”
I saw the look of realisation on her face, then defeated “Yes.”
I tried to think, I tried to remember what I learnt as an intern, what Teek had shown me, “Cril has pushed you to face something you don’t feel like you can? You’re running from it.”
Tears formed in Teek’s eyes “Yes, you’re right, but it scares the universe out of me.”
“Would it help if I was here to face it with you?”
“No.”
“Um, would you face it alone with Cril then?”
Her eyes shut tight, and her breathing was forceful, “Yes, I am committed to myself, I am committed to facing my fear, I will face them when they arise, I will face my pain, I will not back down, I will not run away.”
I gave a small laugh, remembering reciting the exact same phrase during my introduction. She took a deep breath and hugged me tightly, “Give me strength Kial.” She stood and walked back out.
“I’m sorry, Cril.” Teek said, her voice still quivering.
Cril smiled “Hey, girl, I know what it’s like, we’ve all been there.”
Teek hugged her, “You’re right.”
“You want to try again?” Cril asked.
I could immediately sense Teek’s tension build, “Not with the guys here, sorry.”
Cril nodded, understanding. “What could you want to hide from our architects?”
Teek hesitated and said quietly “I feel like you are making fun of me.”
“You are safe with us,” Cril reassured her. “There is nothing to be scared of.”
Teek looked at us, I wanted to give her strength, like she had given me “I feel like you are all laughing at me.” she admitted.
“You know it is secure here, we all support you, will you allow yourself to walk that path?” Cril asked softly.
She paused for a moment “Yes.”
But I knew my navigator and had never seen her so overwhelmed by emotion before, I could sense it through our Cortex Link, this was something that she first needed to face alone with Cril.
“Come on Mirl, the girls need space.”
He looked disappointed, wanting to see our navigators being intimate, “but…” he stopped realising what he was about to say and quickly changed “Yeah, okay.”
We left, leaving Teek to face her fear.

Chapter 22
Ice Cream
I had just finished strapping on the knee pads when Mirl threw the ball at me. Bastard caught me just off guard, and I only managed to get my arm in the way, the ball bouncing off my arm guard.
“Don’t you wait until a girl is ready?” I pleaded slightly, trying to mask my annoyance.
“But aren’t you always ready for me?” he quipped back. Damn it. I must’ve been losing my edge.
I started running out to the field and called back, “Beat ya there.”
“Hey,” he replied, chasing after the ball.
I stood out from the goal, waiting for him to approach, he came at me slowly, I positioned myself as to block the goal. He swayed left, and I followed then he diverted right, trying to trick me. Except this time, he managed to knock me backward, falling, and threw the ball into the goal.
“Goal!” He shouted. What was the matter with me? My mind must’ve really been distracted to get knocked off balance like that. Right.
The ball was shot up from the centre position, and I leapt up for it. I was definitely quicker than him and managed to grab hold of it. He ran towards my goal.
I started slowly, needing a bit of momentum to knock him over but not too much so I could try and dodge him. I went running at him and sidestepped at the last moment, changing direction. He guessed my move and slid along the ground, tripping me up. The ball went skidding along the field.
Mirl was already on his feet and had the ball, he was running for his goal. I picked myself up and chased after him. Fortunately, the heavy ball slowed him down. I managed to catch up, but tackling him was difficult. I tried to get my arms around his waist, but he knocked me down, I fell on my face and he scored another goal.
Damn. Damn. Damn. Okay, Cril, focus.
The ball was in the air again, and I got it first, but Mirl didn’t go after the ball. He went after me and came crashing into me in mid-flight. We both fell backward, and the ball went skidding off. I couldn’t get away in time, Mirl, being on top, got the jump on me and was chasing after the ball. I chased him managing to grab it just before him. I was at full speed, planting my shoulder into his back sending him and the ball flying. He was on the ground, but I was after the ball and had it.
I could see the goal in sight. There was no way I could throw it from here, so I ran, knowing Mirl couldn’t be far behind me. I could hear his footsteps as I threw the ball at the goal, hoping it would make it. He hit me at full pace, and I went skidding after the ball. It had lost a lot of momentum, and I didn’t think it would make it. Mirl didn’t think so either and wasn’t in a hurry to get off me. The goal buzzer sounded, yes score one for the home team.
I couldn’t believe how tired I was after just three balls. Maybe all the playing with Teek first wore me out. Maybe the five mares before that too. I waited for the ball to fall, but Mirl was taller than me and knocked it away before I could grab it. He knew where it had gone and was already after it. I just chased after him. Mirl had got the ball, and before I could hit him, he had given it a mighty throw. We were quite far out from goal, and it must’ve really hurt his arm. All I could do was helplessly watch the ball roll through the goal.
Normally, Speedball is played with a team of six, but Mirl and I just like to beat each other up with some one-on-one.
I was really losing my mind. As the ball was launched into the air, I felt Mirl hit me, knocking me backward. By the time I realised what had happened and picked myself up off the field, he was already halfway towards the goal. He looked back once, seeing me just getting up and slowed his pace. It was a token gesture, as he threw the ball through the goal as I got close.
He stopped, “You okay, Cril?”
I didn’t know.

Chapter 23
By his side
I stood with Mirl in Pitt’s dorm watching him and Shen. We had both met Pitt during basic training. Finding out a mare had caught him spooked me. It might’ve spooked Mirl too but he didn’t really show it. Pitt’s dorm now looked more like a hospital ward. Pitt was lying in his bed with monitors all around him, and Shen sat by his side.
Shen had blue and purple hair, shoulder length, she was a bit shorter than me and I remember her always with a smile, as she observed the other architects. But her smile looked forced, her cheery mood false.
“Hey, Pitt,”
“Hey Kial, Mirl. How are things?”
“Same as usual, rendering and all. Yourself?”
Pitt paused, he looked over at Shen, “They won’t let me sleep. I’m drugged up on amph. I haven’t slept since the attack on the barrier.” He stopped for a little while, holding Shen’s hand, “I feel like I’m losing my mind. Techs are in here like clockwork, they keep hooking up to me.” He stopped and stared at the ceiling.
Mirl and I waited, silence.
“Sorry, guys,” Shen spoke, “He’s been zoning out like that since about a day after the attack.”
This scared me a little. “Is he going to be okay?”
Shen smiled, trying to reassure me. “The techs say so. The same thing happened during my first term, a mare caught an architect, and he was okay. This, they say, is not as bad.”
“I’ve been having strange thoughts when they do.” Pitt began speaking again like nothing had happened. He looked distraught, “At least I have Shen to help me.” She held his hand tightly.
“Are you okay, Mirl?” Shen asked.
I turned to see Mirl his expression stiff, a frown, “Yeah, I think I need to go for a walk.”
He went to leave and Shen stood and offered a hug. “Speak to Cril.” she whispered.
“No.” He responded, “she’ll laugh at me if she knew.”
“Don’t be afraid, Mirl. Tell Cril about how you are feeling at the moment. Trust her, okay?”
He just nodded and left quietly.
Pitt looked a little disappointed, “I kinda have that effect on some of the first-gens.”
Shen spoke, “The techs won’t allow me to hook up with him. They say it won’t help, but, I don’t know something is telling me otherwise.”
“Oh, I want to feel you again.” Pitt sobbed. Shen leant over him and kissed him gently.
“You will soon,” She comforted him.
I felt a little uncomfortable seeing them being physical, “I should go.”
Shen looked surprised at me, “Oh, sorry Kial, I didn’t mean to embarrass you.”
She stood to hug me, I felt strange hugging Shen, she was in her bio-suit and I felt her curves, I felt uncomfortable. Still wanting to look at the other navigators. Shen was very attractive, her playful nature, a little bit like Cril, but friendly not challenging. She whispered in my ear, “I know what you’re thinking, it’s okay. Plus you were my first choice.”
I pulled away, looking at her stunned. She smiled. “But you deserved someone more skilled than I.”
I paused for a moment, then asked, “How are you doing?”
She sighed deeply, shoulders slumped “I’m so confused,” she said softly. “I want to trust the techs saying he will be okay, but then they say I shouldn’t link with him.”
She looked down at Pitt for a moment before meeting my eyes again. “I don’t know. I just feel so powerless.”
Sirens began wailing, disturbing my thoughts. I felt Shen jump.
“What’s going on?” I asked.
“A mare has probably gotten past the outer barrier. You better go.”
Control called, “Alert. Type P mare inner circle. All teams able to respond. Report to the projection room.”
I waved and ran out of the room.

Chapter 24
Wake up! Time to Die
Somewhere the sirens were wailing, I was watching the screen from the projection room. ‘Alert. Type P mare inner circle.’ Cril looked at me, sinking dread. I jumped into the nearest chair and began a launch.
She went to stop me. “You can’t face a mare by yourself!” but I knew that if the mare found a civilian first, it would be disaster.
I flew towards the mare hoping to keep it distracted. It was easy to spot, a powerful dark, swirling mass, its form resolving into a waterfall of metal blades as I drew closer. Each blade glinted ominously in the dim light, reflecting my fear, threatening to consume me. I felt its attraction towards me, a magnetic pull that made my heart race. I tried to lead it out towards the barrier, my mind racing through possible strategies. I sharply focussed speeding my thoughts making every second stretch into an eternity.
“Teek” Blen’s voice, I stopped, why is he here? Turning, seeing him standing where the mare was as a sting like tentacle shot out from him narrowly missing me. The speed and precision of the attack sent a wave of panic crashing over me, how fast can it be? As I sped off.
But I breathed, forcing myself to keep my composure. If that tentacle had touched me, it would be over. The mare would have me, and my mind would be torn apart. I let the fear pass through me, watching it drift away, giving the mare nothing to focus on.
My mind flashed to the projection room. What was happening? Control called for me to return, Kial was here and we could team up. Relief and dread mixed in my chest. Cril would take over distracting the mare.
I hesitated, wanting to face it with her. But I knew I had to trust in our training and in Cril’s ability. With a final glance at the swirling mass of blades, I turned and sped back towards the projection room.
The commander and Mirl entered. He spoke “Get me another team in here immediately.”
My mind was unfocussed thinking about Cril alone with the mare. Some reason, I couldn’t carry Kial into the dream-scape. I must’ve tried about five times. Come on Teek, relax and focus, I tried to breathe. More teams had assembled and were launching when I saw, horrified, that it was too late. Cril was spiralling around the mare trying to keep it busy, but I recognised it, she’s too slow, did she not see how it attacked me?
And I saw it in slow motion, I knew before it happened, the sting, I wanted to call out to warn her, I reached forward. The mare found its target. Cril began to scream as I watched the energy of the mare organically pulsing into her. The mare was gone.
I don’t know if I heard her scream. I think I was in too much shock. I just remember seeing everyone’s faces, deathly silence, the commander was calling out but I heard no sound.
I turned to Cril. She looked up at me, half scared and half relieved.
“I got it,” she gave a brief triumphant smile, but her expression shifted rapidly from relief to horror “oh no,” she whispered “I got it.”
Her face changed completely, a mixture of fear and despair overtaking her features. “Mummy,” she spoke, “why are you holding me like that?” I realised I was holding her wrist. I let it go and gently kissed her. ‘goodbye, my friend.’ I thought. She looked at me “Teek, bring me back, will you?” I tried to smile at her. The techs bumped me aside. As they stretchered her out of the projection room, as she screamed “Mummy, don’t leave me alone, Mummy!”
I looked at Mirl and said that he knows her the best and should be with her, he nodded and left.
The only thing I heard was the commanders voice asking how a mare got past surveillance.