What? Are you saying you dont have your Computer License? Did you lose it? You never got your Computer License? Did you take the license test? No? How can you be expected to operate the computer?
Customer: The Internet Doesn't Work!!!
Helpdesk: What is the error message?
Customer: Does not work.
The internet will be down for cleaning between the 27th and the
30th this month. Please do not use any computer or communication
equiptment as this will interfere with, or possibly damage, the Internet
during this time.
Thank you.
Similarly to yesterday, the Internet displayed an extremely varied picture from backbone to backbone. Several providers are showing significant congestion, in some cases severe. With statistics fluctuating wildly, there appears to be no single problem, but rather just the effects of heavy traffic and high server loads.
Conditions are expected to improve after peak hours (8 PM EST or later).
| HELPLINE: | "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?" |
| CUSTOMER: | "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!" |
| HELPLINE: | "Did you put the key in the ignition and turn it?" |
| CUSTOMER: | "What's an ignition?" |
| HELPLINE: | "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine." |
| CUSTOMER: | "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?" |
| HELPLINE: | "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?" |
| CUSTOMER: | "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!" |
| HELPLINE: | "Is the gas tank empty?" |
| CUSTOMER: | "Huh? How do I know?" |
| HELPLINE: | "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?" |
| CUSTOMER: | "I see an 'E' but no 'F'." |
| HELPLINE: | "You see the 'E' and just to the right is the 'F'. |
| CUSTOMER: | "No, just to the right of the 'E' is an 'N'. |
| HELPLINE: | "An 'N'?!?" |
| CUSTOMER: | "Yeah, there's a 'H', an 'O', an 'L', then a 'D' followed by the 'E" then an 'N' " |
| HELPLINE: | "No, no, no sir! That's the front of the car. When you sit behind the steering wheel, that's the panel I'm talking about." |
| CUSTOMER: | "That steering wheel thingy-- Is that the round thing that honks the horn?" |
| HELPLINE: | "Yes, among other things." |
| CUSTOMER: | "The needle's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?" * |
| HELPLINE: | "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you." |
| CUSTOMER: | "What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!" |
| HELPLINE: | "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?" |
| CUSTOMER: | "Your cars suck!" |
| HELPLINE: | "What's wrong?" |
| CUSTOMER: | "It crashed, that's what went wrong!" |
| HELPLINE: | "What were you doing?" |
| CUSTOMER: | "I wanted to go faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed - - and now it won't even start up!" |
| HELPLINE: | "I'm sorry, sir, but it's your responsibility if you misuse the product." |
| CUSTOMER: | "Misuse it? I was just following this damned manual of yours. It said to make the car go to put the transmission in 'D' and press the accelerator pedal. That's exactly what I did -- now the damn thing's crashed." |
| HELPLINE: | "Did you read the entire operator's manual before operating the car sir?" |
| CUSTOMER: | "What? Of course I did! I told you I did EVERYTHING the manual said and it didn't work!" |
| HELPLINE: | "Didn't you attempt to slow down so you wouldn't crash? " |
| CUSTOMER: | "How do you do THAT?" |
| HELPLINE: | "You said you read the entire manual, sir. It's on page 14. The pedal next to the accelerator." |
| CUSTOMER: | "Well, I don't have all day to sit around and read this manual you know." |
| HELPLINE: | "Of course not. What do you expect us to do about it?" |
| CUSTOMER: | "I want you to send me one of the latest versions that goes fast and won't crash anymore!" |
| HELPLINE: | "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?" |
| CUSTOMER: | "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks." |
| HELPLINE: | "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?" |
| CUSTOMER: | "How do I work it?" |
| HELPLINE: | "Do you know how to drive?" |
| CUSTOMER: | "Do I know how to what?" |
| HELPLINE: | "Do you know how to DRIVE?" |
| CUSTOMER: | "I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!" |